UNDERSTANDABLE

Robert Siegers

► Hi, my name is Robert! For a long time, I wondered why relationships felt so much harder for me than for others.
Over the past years, I had the privilege of spending thousands of dollars and countless hours working with four different therapists, exploring what actually creates emotional safety

► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions.
I am not a health professional. My content is based on research & my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for 3 years.

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Yesterday · 16 min
The 3 Types of Avoidants & Why They Come Back (Which One Is Your Ex?)
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I break down the three types of avoidants and which one is actually worth staying with. As a former avoidant who dated avoidants too, I explain Type 1, the young one who is only thirsty for unconditional love and regulation, Type 2, the confused one caught in an inner battle between wanting closeness and protecting themselves, and Type 3, the healing one who has awareness, returns quickly, and does the work. I show why this is a timeline and not an age, and the bottom line: run from Type 1, brace for the push-pull with Type 2, and only Type 3 is worth building a relationship with. ► Links and Resources: My Rock Bottom Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkVmvMkZUI4&t=79s Why Avoidants Don't Know Their Needs Video: https://youtu.be/YoerBrHSdUI?si=JCcR9GTcNmdoeHvA The Avoidant Midlife Crisis Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mONzr1-7HTE&t=109s ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 01:25 Type 1: Thirsty for Unconditional Love 04:48 Type 2: The Confused One 09:52 Type 3: The Healing One 12:47 It Is a Timeline, Not an Age 14:15 Keep or RUN? ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
Tuesday · 16 min
How Long Until an Avoidant Ex Comes Back? (Full Timeline)
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I give you the full timeline of how long it takes an avoidant to come back after a breakup or no contact. As a former avoidant who dated avoidants too, I walk you through the phases: how your relationship before the breakup shapes everything, the first one to four months of regulating and checking on you from a distance, the breadcrumbs around month five to eight, and the nine to twelve month window when they are most likely to return. I explain why you hold the power when they come back, the decision point that decides if they stay, and the real question: do you even want someone back who needs a year to re-regulate. ► Links and Resources: When They Come Back, You Have the Power Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFH2AXlxuBI&t=4s ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 00:57 Phase 0 04:18 Phase 1 06:07 Phase 2 08:08 Phase 3 09:33 You Have the Power When They Return 11:52 The Decision Point 14:11 Do You Even Want Them Back ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
Sunday · 16 min
When an Avoidant Comes Back, Ask THIS One Question
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I reveal the one question to ask when an avoidant comes back, and why most partners waste the power they actually have in that moment. As someone who has been on both sides of this push-pull dynamic, I explain why you keep chasing unavailable people, and why greeting them back with open arms only signals you still will not stand up for yourself. I break down the three reasons avoidants return, from being thirsty for love, to breadcrumbing for regulation, to actually having done the work. The question is simple: why are you coming back? Then you listen, and you only consider someone who has truly started to change. ► Links and Resources: Limerence and Fantasy Regulation Video: https://youtu.be/ozIbtcDmNVA?si=rXpdK5mzKf75SbX4 ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 01:04 Why You Keep Chasing the Avoidant 03:11 When They Return, You Have the Power 04:36 The Big Mistake Most Partners Make 06:10 The 3 Reasons Avoidants Come Back 10:01 The One Question to Ask 13:05 Who Deserves a Second Chance ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
November 6 · 23 min
When You Stop Accepting Crumbs, THIS Happens
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I show you what happens when you stop accepting crumbs, and how to actually do it. As a recovered avoidant who used to date unavailable people, I share my own online dating story and the moment I stopped letting others be the gatekeepers of my love. When you become the gatekeeper of your own love, the power flips and the avoidant one gets triggered and starts chasing. Then I get practical: only invest in someone truly committed to a long-term relationship, set your emotional, love and communication standards, and let go of the belief that love has to be earned. You deserve the full meal, not crumbs. ► Links and Resources: Why They End Up Obsessed Video: https://youtu.be/UckVISJAUJA ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 00:58 My Online Dating Story 05:14 Become the Gatekeeper of Your Own Love 07:33 Why It Triggers Them 09:57 How to Actually Stop Accepting Crumbs 14:16 Set Your 3 Relational Standards 19:15 The Beliefs Keeping You Chasing 20:58 What Is Actually True About You ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
November 3 · 18 min
Why the One Who Only Gave You Crumbs Will End Up Obsessed
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I unpack why the person who only gives you crumbs ends up obsessed once you stop chasing. As a recovered avoidant, I explain that breadcrumbing is a way to keep you warm from a safe distance for their own regulation, rooted in childhood, and why you keep chasing from your own familiar wound and hope. I show the cage you built to protect yourself and what happens when you step out of it: the whole psychology flips and they start chasing you. In the end I cover the three reasons they come back, and which one is actually worth taking back. ► Links and Resources: What Breadcrumbing Really Is Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JVoakqE9UXg Why Avoidants Come Back Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4umBMT2pBpY&t=12s ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 01:22 Why They Only Give You Crumbs 05:01 The Childhood Wound Behind Breadcrumbing 07:33 Why You Keep Chasing Them 09:23 The Cage You Built Yourself 12:25 Flip the Game: Stop Chasing 15:43 What Happens When They Come Back ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
November 1 · 24 min
If an Avoidant Does THIS, They Secretly Love You (They'd Never Admit)
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I share five things an avoidant partner does when they are secretly in love with you but cannot show it, from my own perspective as a recovered avoidant. I explain why love, closeness and vulnerability feel dangerous to them, using the image of real feelings buried under a pile of poop, their protection strategies and childhood trauma. Then I walk through the five signs, from keeping coming back and showing love through actions, to getting triggered by you and hiding their fear of losing you. In the end I explain why you should not always accept this incomplete love, because you deserve someone who is willing to do the work. ► Links and Resources: Why Avoidants Come Back Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kGDhim-YlY&t=34s My Moment of Change Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkVmvMkZUI4&t=79s ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 01:03 Why Avoidants Hide Their Love 06:18 Sign 1: They Keep Coming Back 10:08 Sign 2: They Show Love Through Actions 12:02 Sign 3: They Stay in Contact Even When It Is Hard 13:42 Sign 4: You Trigger Them 14:52 Sign 5: Hidden Jealousy and Fear of Losing You 19:53 Why You Should Not Always Accept Their Love ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
October 30 · 17 min
Never Make THIS Mistake When an Avoidant Comes Back
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I share the one big mistake most partners make when an avoidant comes back, and the best way to respond instead. As a former avoidant who came back multiple times, I explain why taking them back with open arms only signals you still will not stand up for yourself, and why their return is always a test. I break down the three reasons avoidants come back, from being thirsty for love, to wanting closeness from a safe distance, to actually having done the work. The best response is to stay steady, keep building your own life, and ask one real question: why are you coming back? Then the real test begins. ► Links and Resources: The 3 Reasons Avoidants Come Back Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4umBMT2pBpY&t=12s Why Avoidants Don't Know Their Needs Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoerBrHSdUI How an Avoidant Sees a Healthy Relationship Video: https://youtu.be/6bFFqAAWobU?si=X0bAP0bkaHqb7nmr ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 00:48 The Pain Avoidants Cause 04:14 The Big Mistake Most Partners Make 05:50 When They Return, You Have the Power 06:16 The 3 Reasons They Come Back 10:52 The Best Response When They Return 13:23 The One Question to Ask 16:01 The Real Test Begins ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
October 27 · 17 min
When an Avoidant Offers You Friendship, Say THIS First (Take Your Power Back)
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I explain what to say first when an avoidant offers you friendship after rejecting you or pulling away. As a recovered avoidant, I share that friendship lets them keep the good sides of the connection and regulate with you from a safe distance, without facing the closeness that triggers them. The real question is whether you want to be friends with someone you have feelings for, who does not love you fully. The answer is to set one clear boundary: you want them fully, or you go separate ways. It feels like a loss, but staying strong is what puts you back in the power position. ► Links and Resources: Why Avoidants Offer Friendship Video: https://youtu.be/hEXO-Fnkn2o ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 01:12 Why Avoidants Offer Friendship 06:18 The One Question to Ask Yourself First 12:28 Say THIS First, When They Offer Friendship ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
October 25 · 19 min
Why an Avoidant Will Offer You Friendship (The Hidden Message)
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I explain why avoidants offer friendship after a breakup, what the hidden message behind it is, and why you should almost never accept it. As a recovered avoidant, I share that friendship gives them connection and emotional regulation from a safe distance, without having to face their anxieties or do the work. I tell my own story of offering friendship to my ex, and why it is usually a bad deal for the partner, who loves more deeply and gets left in a position of hope. The answer is to set a clear boundary, because you deserve someone who wants you fully, not halfway. ► Links and Resources: My Rock Bottom Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkVmvMkZUI4&t=79s Standards, the Ick and Avoidant Needs Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHOxRnU4pEU&t=3s ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1⁠ Spotify: ⁠https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: ⁠https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: ⁠https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable⁠ ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 01:00 Why Avoidants Fear Closeness 05:43 Why The Offer Friendship 07:15 The Hidden Message Behind Friendship 08:20 My Own Story 12:38 Why Friendship Is a Bad Deal for You 17:21 Why You Should Never Accept Friendship ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
October 23 · 17 min
How to Become So Unbothered They Start Chasing You
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I unfold the psychology of why some people stay so unbothered in dating while others, like me a few years ago, end up overly sensitive, needy and obsessing over someone they barely know. As a recovered avoidant, I share the story of a girl I chased in university, and why you attract and cling to detached people, often from a childhood wound and the hope that keeps you self-abandoning. Then I show how to swap that psychology, not by playing games, but by breaking out of your box, building other life areas and a purpose bigger than the relationship, and finally learning to set boundaries. You become genuinely unbothered, not cold. ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 01:36 The Girl Who Was Unbothered 04:14 Why You Chase the Detached Ones 06:21 Swap the Psychology 10:11 1: Allow Yourself to Break the Box 12:03 2: Build Other Life Areas 14:29 3: Find a Purpose Bigger Than the Relationship 15:20 4: Learn to Set Boundaries ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
October 20 · 19 min
When an Avoidant Realizes You'll Leave, The Game Flips
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video I share with you honestly who an avoidant does, when they're terrified of losing you. ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1⁠ Spotify: ⁠https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: ⁠https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: ⁠https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable⁠ ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 01:53 The Core Wound 04:02 The Chase Before the Relationship 05:09 The Commitment Shift 07:06 Pulling Away and Conflict 10:07 When They Are Afraid of Losing You 11:46 Two Reactions When They Return 14:38 What You Can Do ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
October 18 · 41 min
Recovered Avoidant Explains What Helps Avoidants Heal
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I answer what actually helps avoidants heal, from my own perspective as a recovered avoidant who worked with four therapists. I explain why it is so hard, because avoidants rarely see their behavior as the problem and society even rewards their independence. Then I build it up in levels: first reframing what a relationship means and finding a purpose bigger than yourself, then the practical work of setting realistic relational standards, finding a supportive partner, and training the missing skills like naming needs and boundaries. The real core key is a decision: committing 110 percent to the relationship, especially on the hard days. ► Links and Resources: Why Avoidants Lose Feelings Video: https://youtu.be/dHOxRnU4pEU?si=VP8fI3hwhVNAeFu9 Why Avoidants Cannot Feel Their Needs Video: https://youtu.be/YoerBrHSdUI?si=UCjq5BS6Wkfldo97 ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1⁠ Spotify: ⁠https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: ⁠https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: ⁠https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable⁠ ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 01:12 Why It Is So Hard for Avoidants to Heal 11:05 Level 1: Reframing Relationships 15:58 Finding a Higher Purpose 19:25 Empathy and Healthy Guilt 21:11 Level 2: Setting Realistic Relational Standards 26:25 Finding the Right Partner 32:21 Training the Missing Relationship Skills 36:50 Level 3: The Key to Heal ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
October 16 · 21 min
Become the One They’re Terrified to Lose (Do THIS)
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I show you how to become the one an avoidant or unavailable partner is terrified to lose, not through games or mystery, but by actually becoming more secure. As a recovered avoidant, I explain why they pull away the more you chase, and why your own pattern keeps you hoping and self-abandoning, often rooted in childhood. Then I share the real approach: set a clear standard, build a life you do not need them for, find a purpose bigger than the relationship, and stay compassionate while setting firm boundaries. They stay or they do not, but either way you win, because you become more yourself. ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 02:01 Why They Pull Away From You 04:46 Your Pattern: Why You Chase Them 08:35 Swap the Psychology 10:08 1: Set the Standard 14:10 2: Build a Life You Do Not Need Them For 16:15 3: Find a Purpose Bigger Than You 17:48 4: Be an Empathetic Listener 19:38 5: Set Boundaries ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
October 13 · 20 min
How to Get Over a Breakup with an Avoidant (Even if You Still Love Them)
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I explain why breakups with an avoidant are so much harder to get over, and how to heal from one fast. As a recovered avoidant who later dated avoidants himself, I show why the connection feels so magnetic and soulmate-like: it is really two unhealed nervous systems pulling at each other. I share my own dating story, why you did nothing wrong, and the avoidant filter that keeps you from ending up there again. The core mechanism is hope: the hope that they will change has to die, because what they did says nothing about your worth. From there you rebuild a stronger sense of self. ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1⁠ Spotify: ⁠https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: ⁠https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: ⁠https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable⁠ ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 01:07 Why the Connection Feels So Intense 04:08 Two Unhealed Nervous Systems 06:27 My Own Dating Story 09:35 It's Not Your Fault 12:44 The Thing That Keeps You Attached 15:53 How To Get Over a Breakup ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
October 11 · 21 min
When an Avoidant Partner Withdraws Sexually, React Like THIS
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I explore a topic that rarely gets talked about openly: what happens when an avoidant partner starts to lose sexual desire and pulls away from intimacy. Drawing on my own experience as a recovered avoidant, I walk through why closeness feels like danger to an avoidant nervous system, and how that plays out in the bedroom across four stages, from the intense dating phase to the mechanical phase and finally the drought where sex disappears completely. Most importantly, I want you to understand that this is not about you or your attractiveness. It comes from an old childhood wound where intimacy was tied to pressure and responsibility. In the end I share what you can actually do to restore that connection: reducing the pressure so they stop feeling chased, learning to regulate your own nervous system, refocusing on your own life, and setting clear boundaries around what you are willing to tolerate. ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1⁠ Spotify: ⁠https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: ⁠https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: ⁠https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable⁠ ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 02:08 Why Avoidants Fear Intimacy 06:12 Stage 0: The Dating Phase 08:13 Stage 1: The Rollercoaster 09:45 Stage 2: The Mechanical Phase 11:07 Stage 3: The Drought 13:20 What You Can Do 15:58 Reduce the Pressure 17:44 Shift the Focus Back to Yourself 19:41 Setting a Boundary ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
October 9 · 20 min
When an Avoidant Realizes You've Given Up, They Do THIS
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I walk you through the six stages of panic that build inside an avoidant when you finally give up on the relationship. As a former avoidant, I explain what happens on their end at each stage, from the first triggers during the relationship, through your emotional cut and the breakup, to the moment they realize you are truly not coming back. I also share the three ways they tend to react, and what you can do at each point: stand up for your needs, cut the connection cleanly, and use the space to grow into a more secure version of yourself. ► Links and Resources: Deactivation Strategies Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fi-wUf36e9k&t=1s How to Respond When an Avoidant Comes Back Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcmxaTqp6QY&t=1070s ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1⁠ Spotify: ⁠https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: ⁠https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: ⁠https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable⁠ ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 01:08 Stage 0: During the Relationship 05:58 Stage 1: Before You Give Up 09:08 Stage 2: The Emotional Cut 11:08 Stage 3: The Breakup 12:24 Stage 4: After the Breakup 14:31 Stage 5: They Test the Waters 15:39 Stage 6: They Realize You Gave Up 16:41 Three Ways They React 18:58 Your Opportunity to Grow ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
October 7 · 41 min
What a Relationship with an Avoidant Looks Like AFTER They Decided to Change
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) In this video, I get vulnerable and share what dating and daily relationship life actually look like for a recovering avoidant. I walk through my journey chronologically, from my very first therapy session, to dating again with the avoidant filter, to meeting my partner and pushing through the panic and pulling-away. I explain why insecure attachment is really trauma stored in the nervous system, so mindset alone cannot fix it, and how new relationship experiences reshape it. Today my partner and I both test secure, but some patterns still surface, and it comes down to communication. ► Links and Resources: Rock Bottom Moment Video: https://youtu.be/NkVmvMkZUI4?si=7Riyf-5mpeqwgWgl Adult Survivors of Childhood Trauma Paper: https://www1.racgp.org.au/getattachment/79710ca4-e98e-46aa-8f8f-d5f763ea8ef4/Adult-survivors-of-childhood-trauma.aspx ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1⁠ Spotify: ⁠https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: ⁠https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: ⁠https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable⁠ ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 01:22 My First Therapy Session 10:27 Dating Again After Deciding to Change 12:58 The Avoidant Filter 15:18 Meeting My Partner 22:07 Panic and a Second Therapy 27:17 Insecure Attachment Is Trauma 30:28 Why Mindset Alone Is Not Enough 32:58 How It Feels Today ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
October 4 · 24 min
The First Thing to Say When an Avoidant Returns after Rejection (They Won't Expect This)
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In today's video I share with you what to say first when they return. ► Links and Resources: Deactivation Strategies Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fi-wUf36e9k&t=1s ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1⁠ Spotify: ⁠https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: ⁠https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: ⁠https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable⁠ ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 02:05 Why Avoidants Reject You 05:04 You Have the Power 06:08 Reaction 1: The Avoidant Response 08:38 Reaction 2: The Anxious Response 10:55 Reaction 3: The Secure Response 13:16 Step 1: Define Your Standards 14:17 Step 2: Reconnect With Yourself 15:43 Step 3: Rebuild Your Life 18:53 How to Respond When They Return 20:53 The One Question to Ask ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
October 2 · 18 min
Come Back So Strong After No Contact, Your Ex Won't Know Who They Left
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad)Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I share the one core principle that lets you come back from no contact so strong that your avoidant ex will barely recognize you. I explain why you still hope they will change, and how that hope traces back to a childhood pattern where holding on gave you a sense of control. The hard but freeing truth is that this hope has to die, and that what they did says nothing about your worth. Then I walk through the steps: process the grief, come home to yourself, rebuild the other areas of your life, and reach the point where you give love instead of seeking it.► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1⁠ Spotify: ⁠https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: ⁠https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: ⁠https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable⁠ ► Episode Timestamps:00:00 Introduction01:08 How the Breakup Happened03:42 Why Hope Keeps You Attached08:02 The Foundation to Come Back Strong10:58 Practical Steps to Come Back Strong► Reach Out To Me :)E-Mail: info@understandable.net► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :)► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education.I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.
September 30 · 22 min
When You Both Stop Contacting Each Other... THIS Happens
► Build secure relationships without losing yourself: https://understandable.net (ad) Welcome to today's episode! In this video, I walk you through the five stages of what happens during no contact, when both you and the person who pulled away stop reaching out. As a former avoidant, I explain how the whole power dynamic shifts: the avoidant, who always controlled closeness and distance, slowly becomes the one who feels something is missing, while you reconnect with yourself, rebuild your life, and become the secure one. In the end I show how to use that new power position, so you either move on to someone who treats you right or only take them back if they have truly changed. ► Links and Resources: Avoidant Attachment Explained Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vs3gDlmS18&pp=0gcJCS8MAYcqIYzv What a Relationship With an Avoidant Feels Like Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkVmvMkZUI4&t=79s ► Subscribe On Your Favorite Platform! YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGiJdF0yeTyRJanW_uSICDw?sub_confirmation=1⁠ Spotify: ⁠https://open.spotify.com/show/2gaheQLxBwByM9txVzlpI6 Apple Podcasts: ⁠https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/understandable/id1399616905 Amazon Music: ⁠https://music.amazon.de/podcasts/ee3580cb-61c5-4aa1-9ad4-1204014078e7/understandable⁠ ► Episode Timestamps: 00:00 Introduction 00:55 Who Controls the Relationship 05:37 The Decision to Go No Contact 06:42 Stage 1: Grief and Silence 09:07 Stage 2: Reconnecting With Yourself 12:05 Stage 3: Rebuilding Your Life 14:30 Stage 4: The Tables Turn 16:41 Stage 5: You Rise, They Return 18:22 How to Use Your New Power ► Reach Out To Me :) E-Mail: info@understandable.net ► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :) ► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education. I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.

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