Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The Irish Times

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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27 episodes
weekly
Avg 6 min
English

Episodes 27

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Friday · 6 min
‘So Westlife, huh? We’re all big fans in our gaff, aren’t we, Honor?’
The bouncers are on us like seagulls on a waffle cone
September 25 · 6 min
‘We’ve been trying to break them up, haven’t we? A year or two in the clink – he won’t wait for her’
Hennessy suddenly smiles at the old man. ‘Damn it,’ the old man goes, ‘you’ve got an idea, haven’t you?’
September 19 · 6 min
Four Feds step into the kitchen. One of them is like, ‘Well, Bernie?’
I’m there, ‘The security tag is still on it’
September 11 · 6 min
‘I did the deed with the girlfriend of a very good friend and it’s been bothering my conscience lately’
Foxrock’s new parish priest, Fr JP, is insisting on hearing my Confession
September 4 · 6 min
At the end of the summer, just like the rest of you, I’m sick of the sight of my children
He was singing the offensive song in the cor this morning. It’s a genuine earworm, in fairness
September 2 · 6 min
‘Your father’s playing golf in Doonbeg,’ Hennessy goes. ‘While the cat’s away, the mice will fornicate’
We’re trying to lure Bernie from Bray into sending some incriminating texts to me when Hennessy decides to up the ante
August 21 · 6 min
Charlie is serious about marrying this woman. You haven’t heard the worst of it yet. No prenup
Hennessy actually laughs when he sees me sitting at the bor with a pint of the old Dutch medicine in front of me. He’s like, “What the hell are you doing here?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
August 7 · 6 min
‘Oh my God! Your dad’s new girlfriend has entered the Wicklow Pollock Queen competition!’
‘The woman’s an absolute tonic! An absolute, bloody-well tonic!’ the old man shouted, but he was the only one
July 31 · 6 min
‘My son has opened a museum celebrating criminality. I wish people would stop asking if I’m proud’
It’s the opening night of Ronan’s new Irish Gangland Museum on Capel Street and the place is packed to the literally rafters
July 20 · 6 min
The old man has a Tesco Clubcord. Jesus, it’s worse than I thought
He’s talking about Bernie from Bray, of all places
June 26 · 5 min
‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’
I’ve arrived home to find my wife, my four sons and my in-laws watching, quite literally, a soccer match
June 20 · 6 min
‘Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,’ I tell the old man
I have a bet on with him that he won’t last the summer in Bray, and I swing by to check on my investment
June 12 · 6 min
‘I’m not giving that kid the money. Not a focking chance’
We’re at Lauren’s barbecue when she ambushes me for the money I said I’d put aside for Ross jnr when he turned 18
June 5 · 6 min
We filled a skip with all the things Sorcha decided she can live without, until she changed her mind
Sorcha had this distant look and was talking at twice her normal speed, like the time she storted on suppositories to try to fit into her old debs dress
May 29 · 6 min
‘Nobody can say I haven’t put my body on the line for this Leinster team’
We’re in Bilbao airport and I’m suddenly thinking, how am I going to face Sorcha when I get home? Maybe I’ll check into Fitzpatrick’s for a few days
May 22 · 5 min
‘Ross, it’s a very simple choice. It’s me or it’s Leinster. You decide’
It’s our 21st wedding anniversary and Sorcha has booked Chapter One for a dinner with her parents. But I’ve got a flight to catch
May 15 · 6 min
‘Ross, I think you’re finally getting your comeuppance from the universe’
It’s Honor’s 20th birthday
May 8 · 6 min
‘Dude, you’re not in Ballsbridge now,’ I tell the old man. ‘This is Las f**king Braygas!’
Chorles has shacked up with Bernie and it’s actually making me sick. He’s all gooey-eyed and she’s hanging off him like a fisherman’s jumper
May 1 · 6 min
I have zero interest in her in that way – is it weird that I want to spend time with this girl?
I’m there, ‘I hope this doesn’t come across as creepy –' She goes, ‘Uh-oh!’
April 24 · 6 min
‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word
‘That’s not what you said on September 4th, 2001,’ I remind him

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