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This Complex Life

Marie Vakakis

Got questions about parenting, teenagers, or relationships? Ever wonder why your teen won’t talk to you, or why your relationship feels like hard work lately? Hi, I’m Marie Vakakis—a therapist, mental health educator, and someone who’s been behind the scenes with countless families and couples navigating the ups and downs of real life.
This Complex Life is your go-to for relatable insights, practical advice, and real talk about parenting, raising teenagers, and navigating relationships. I’ll share what I’ve learned from years of sitting in the therapist’s chair—helping parents understand their teens, supporting couples through tough times, and figuring out what actually works when life feels overwhelming.
Whether it’s understanding your teen’s moods, handling family drama, or reconnecting in your relationship, I’m here to give you practical advice, relatable insights and a little humour to keep it real. Parenting and relationships aren’t easy, but they don’t have to feel impossible.
Subscribe to This Complex Life for honest advice and actionable tips to make life’s messiness more manageable.

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#122
Monday · 48 min
What Parents Get Wrong About Raising Teenage Boys with Dr. Justin Coulson
Your son's bedroom door is shut again, there's a voice coming through his speaker you don't recognise, and you're standing in the hallway wondering whether to knock. Every headline is telling you boys are in trouble, from the manosphere to the show Adolescence that had a whole country looking sideways at their own kid. Underneath all of it sits the pressure to raise a good human and a good man. In this conversation, parenting researcher Dr Justin Coulson joins me to talk about his new book Boys: Building Strong Young Men From the Inside Out, what parents are worrying about that's actually normal, what deserves a code red, and five practical ways to start the conversations that matter. Things Discussed: Why grunts, privacy and an obsession with mates are developmentally normal for teenage boys The code red signs Justin wants parents to take seriously: pornography, contempt towards girls and women, and not being able to accept no How boys are falling behind at school and university, and how that frustration can turn into blaming women The idea at the heart of Boys: healthy men help the people around them feel safer and stronger Why women are looking for a partner who will be a bonus in their life Role models, and who Australian boys actually name as their number one role model Why masculinity feels so easy to threaten, and what the research on precarious masculinity found Justin's five things: start young, call it out, teach empathy and perspective taking, talk through hypotheticals, and role model it How to respond to the parent who says "I never had this and I turned out fine" The water bottle of connection, and why correction and direction drain it Teen led time together with no hidden agenda Timestamps: 0:00 The party conversation every parent of a teenage boy needs to have 0:15 Why parenting boys feels so hard right now 1:45 Meet Dr Justin Coulson 2:15 What parents worry about that's actually normal 3:30 The code red signs to take seriously 4:00 Boys falling behind at school and university 6:15 What teachers are seeing in primary school classrooms 8:00 Contribution and the core message of Boys 10:30 "Show me your bonus" 13:15 Role models and the manosphere 16:00 Who boys say their role model is 21:45 Precarious masculinity 25:45 Five things parents can do 27:45 Calling it out 29:45 Teaching feelings instead of telling off 30:30 Empathy and perspective taking 33:15 Hypothetical conversations about parties and peers 35:15 "I never had this and I turned out fine" 39:45 What you can do tonight 41:00 The water bottle of connection 45:45 Teen led time with no agenda 47:15 Where to find Justin Resources and Links: Boys: Building Strong Young Men From the Inside Out by Dr Justin Coulson: Get the Book Here The Happy Families podcast: https://happyfamilies.com.au/podcast Dr Justin Coulson's website: https://justincoulson.com/ Of Boys and Men by Richard Reeves: https://www.amazon.com/Boys-Men-Modern-Struggling-Matters/dp/0815739877 Manhood in the Making by David Gilmore: https://www.jstor.org/stable/j.ctt5vm2vj Tuning in to Teens: https://marievakakis.com.au/tuning-into-teens-parenting-program/ Connected Teens, my course for parents of teenagers: https://marievakakis.com.au/connected-teens/ Keep the Conversation Going Got a question or a topic you'd like me to cover? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 About Our Guest: Dr. Justin Coulson has a PhD in psychology and has spent more than 20 years researching families. He hosts Parental Guidance on Channel Nine and The Happy Families podcast, which comes out every weekday. He's a dad of six daughters and Boys is his 11th book. ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#121
October 5 · 30 min
Why Do I Feel Empty When Everything Looks Good on Paper? With Edy Xie
Everything in your life looks good on paper, so why don't you feel good? The study's going well, the job's stable, and your calendar's full. You can explain exactly where your stress comes from and what sets it off, yet actually feeling it is a different story. This week I'm joined by psychologist Edy Xie to talk about high achievers who are functioning but not well, why understanding a problem isn't the same as feeling it, and what that looks like when you're struggling to say no. Things Discussed: How Edy found his way into psychology after biomed, a love of cooking, and a quarter-life crisis Growing up in a migrant family where mental health wasn't talked about, and the stigma that kept him from getting support sooner Why it's worth trying again if your first therapist or first session didn't click Why progress in therapy is often slower than people expect, and the tennis metaphor Edy uses to explain it Why insightful people can explain their problems perfectly but get stuck when asked how they feel Trying to fix an emotion like it's a logic problem Working with high-achieving young people who look like they're thriving but feel anxious, self-critical, burnt out, and lonely What happens when someone finally checks in on the capable one Perfectionism, the 95% finished assignment and a few therapy bloopers Why Edy doesn't try to get rid of perfectionism, and how curiosity helps instead What ISTDP (intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy) is and how it works Struggling to say no, tolerating someone else's disappointment and noticing your defences in real time Edy's experience of trying to be the perfect client in his own therapy Why being productive isn't the same as being well Timestamps: 0:00 Introduction 0:50 How Edy found his way into psychology 2:50 Stigma and talking about mental health at home 4:10 Why it's worth not giving up after your first therapist 5:00 When people don't come back after the first session 7:00 The gym, the physio and the tennis metaphor 8:15 When you can explain it but can't feel it 9:15 Trying to fix an emotion 10:50 Working with high-achieving young people 13:30 When nobody checks in on the capable one 15:05 Perfectionism and the 95% finished assignment 17:30 Therapy bloopers 18:40 Working with perfectionism without fighting it 20:40 What is ISTDP? 22:05 Struggling to say no and tolerating disappointment 26:20 Being the perfect client in your own therapy 29:50 Functioning isn't the same as being well Book an Appointment: If something in this episode feels close to home and you'd like some support, you can book an appointment with Edy or one of the team at The Therapy Hub in Footscray: Book Here Keep the Conversation Going Got a question or a topic you'd like me to cover on the podcast? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 About Edy Xie Edy Xie is a psychologist who works with clients across a range of ages, including a lot of high-achieving young people and young adults. He works at The Therapy Hub in Footscray and has a particular interest in ISTDP, which he's experienced in his own therapy as well as using it with clients. Before psychology, Edy studied biomed and spent time working in cafes, chasing his childhood dream of being a chef. ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#120
September 28 · 26 min
Are You a Good Girl? The Hidden Cost of People Pleasing with Maryna Bilousova
You say yes before you've even thought about it. Later that night you're lying awake, going over it, annoyed at them and even more annoyed at yourself. You don't want to be the difficult one, so you keep saying yes and the resentment keeps building. In this episode I talk with author and coach Maryna Bilousova about people pleasing, resentment and the good girl conditioning that makes saying no feel impossible. Things Discussed: How childhood patterns show up in who we choose and how we react in adult relationships Freud's iceberg and the part of the mind that runs things below our awareness Why resentment so often comes back to boundaries and self worth The good girl conditioning: behave, comply, never say no, never admit there's a problem Why it's so hard to sit with someone else's disappointment Why a boundary is your job to hold, not the other person's job to remember The fence in the park and why boundaries create a sense of security How behaviour gets co created between people, from gym classes to the friend who's always late Why understanding a pattern isn't the same as changing it, and how EMDR and hypnosis can help The Gottman aftermath of a fight and a couple arguing over a leaky tap Taking time for yourself as a parent, and what happens when mothers lose themselves in their kids Practical ways to say no: pause, breathe, count to three, the superwoman pose and clear is kind Timestamps: 0:00 Resentment and the patterns we can't explain 1:00 How Maryna came to this work through her own relationship 2:00 Freud's iceberg and the subconscious mind 3:30 When an adult relationship repeats a childhood dynamic 5:00 Resentment, boundaries and being the good girl 7:00 Why saying no feels so hard 8:00 The power of saying no 9:00 The fence in the park: boundaries as security 10:00 How behaviour gets co created 11:00 When old fears follow you to work 12:30 Understanding a pattern versus changing it 15:00 The Gottman aftermath of a fight and the leaky tap 18:30 What Maryna wishes she'd known as a young mum 21:00 Losing yourself in your kids 23:30 Learn to say no and trust your gut 25:00 The superwoman pose and clear is kind Resources and Links: Loving Without Losing Yourself by Maryna Bilousova: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GHSY27PG Maryna Bilousova on Instagram, including her free discovery call: https://www.instagram.com/maryna_bilousova_official/ Relationship Reset: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ EMDR therapy at The Therapy Hub: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/emdr/ Brené Brown, clear is kind: https://brenebrown.com/articles/2018/10/15/clear-is-kind-unclear-is-unkind/ Guest Info: Maryna Bilousova is an author and coach who works with women stuck in emotionally confusing relationships. Her work brings together subconscious reprogramming, hypnotherapy and what she calls the revolutionary mindset. She's the author of Loving Without Losing Yourself and a mother of four, and she joined me from Germany. You can find Maryna on Instagram, where you can also book a free discovery call with her. ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#119
September 21 · 34 min
Who Holds You When You're Holding Everyone Else with Fi Mims
You're the one everyone brings their problems to, at work, at home and everywhere in between. By the time the day winds down you've held the school emails, the parent who needs a phone call, the clients and the health advice you keep meaning to follow, and you're not sure who gets to hold any of it for you. It's a lot to carry, and most of us carry it without saying so out loud. Fi Mims, a business coach and photographer who has been running her own business for 23 years, joins me to talk about the load women carry at home and at work and who she actually calls when it all gets heavy. Things Discussed: What life looks like in the sandwich generation, with 17 year old twins, a business and two parents in aged care Why the health messaging aimed at women over 40 can leave you feeling like nothing you do is ever enough How work can settle you when things are tense at home and what it takes to be fully present for someone else The unspoken expectations about who carries the mental load and why workplaces and schools haven't caught up with families where both partners work A fresh perspective on the trad wife movement and burnout Who Fi talks to when things get heavy and why sharing the load with the right people matters Using professional support alongside your inner circle What Fi has learnt about listening in her marriage and with her teens, including calming down first, taking the other person's perspective and letting teenagers have their say Why planning ahead and slowing down before you're forced to is worth the discomfort Choosing deeper connection over the easy win of the couch Timestamps: 2:00 Life in the sandwich generation 4:00 Hiking the Grampians with her son 7:00 Holding space for others while managing your own life 8:00 Being a woman in business and the unspoken load at home 10:00 Why work and school haven't caught up with working families 13:00 The trad wife movement and burnout 14:00 The pressure to get health right 16:00 Who you unload with when it all gets heavy 19:00 Using professional support when you need it 22:00 Communication and perspective taking in marriage 24:00 Parenting teens and learning to zip it 27:00 What Fi would say to anyone in this season 30:00 Slowing down, planning ahead and choosing deeper connection 33:00 Wrapping up and one thing to try Resources and Links: Work with Fi Mims: https://fimims.com/contact Find Fi online: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/fimims/ Facebook https://www.facebook.com/fimimsphotography LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/fi-mims-photography/ Keep the Conversation Going Got a question you'd like answered on the podcast? Ask me anything here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Guest Info: Fi Mims is an award winning photographer and business coach who supports her clients to look and feel their best and lifts the visibility of their personal brands. Her photographs show clients as authentic, beautiful and powerful, and her coaching supports them to find self belief, confidence and purpose. With over 20 years of experience behind her, Fi has navigated the many challenges facing modern women while building and maintaining a multiple six figure business. When she's not working she's dreaming up new holiday adventures, getting through the pile of books next to her bed, enjoying a good boogie and never refusing a glass of champagne. ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#118
September 14 · 21 min
Why You Feel Like Strangers After Years Together
You still say I love you before bed. You still sit next to each other on the couch most nights. Nothing bad has happened, no big fight, no betrayal, and somewhere along the way you stopped feeling like you actually know this person. This episode looks at three reasons emotional intimacy fades in long term relationships, even when nothing has gone wrong, and what you can actually do about it this week. Things Discussed: What bids for connection are, and why missing them slowly creates distance The Gottman research on why relationships more often end in a slow drift than one big blow up Why spending time together is not the same as quality time The REV framework for listening: reflect, empathically attune, validate The still face experiment, and why a blank face can feel threatening Why couples stop updating each other, and how to start again Specific open ended questions to try with your partner this week Timestamps: 2:00 Why emotional distance builds without one clear cause 3:00 Bids for connection, explained 5:00 The Gottman research on what keeps couples together 7:00 Why time together is not the same as quality time 9:00 The problem with yes or no questions 11:00 REV: reflect, empathically attune, validate 14:00 The still face experiment 15:00 The third reason couples drift apart 18:00 Questions to try with your partner this week 20:00 Small deposits, not one grand gesture Resources and Links Free open ended questions guide Open ended questions https://marievakakis.com.au/open-ended-questions-for-couples/ Relationship Reset course https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Keep the Conversation Going forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Connect with Marie: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#117
September 7 · 30 min
Sex Therapy vs Couples Therapy: What's the Difference?
Most people don't know the difference between a sex therapist and a couples therapist, or which one they actually need. In this episode, Tania Wellby, an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Sex Therapist, joins Marie to talk about sexual scripts, mismatched desire and why your partner turning you down is almost never about you. It's a direct conversation about the stuff most of us only type into Google late at night and never say out loud. Things Discussed The difference between a sex therapist and a couples therapist, and how to know which one you need What actually brings people to sex therapy, from mismatched desire to sexual trauma to dating anxiety Sexual scripts, the unspoken rules about sex and gender we absorb from culture and never actually chose Why one partner's low desire so often gets misread as rejection The vulnerability cycle, and how it shows up around sex as much as it does around conflict How to say what you actually feel instead of the thing that starts a fight Why nothing shocks a good sex therapist, and what that means for the rest of us Timestamps 0:00 What actually brings someone to sex therapy 2:00 Welcome to This Complex Life with Tania Wellby 5:00 Why sex is still taboo, even among social workers 8:00 What actually brings people through the door 13:00 Sex therapy or couples therapy, how to know which one you need 14:00 Sexual scripts, the blueprint nobody signs up for 17:00 The vulnerability cycle and why low desire gets read as rejection 23:00 Is there anything that could still shock her Resources and Links Tania Wellby https://www.yestherapy.com.au/meet-tania Free sex and intimacy guide https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/ Keep the Conversation Going forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Guest Info Tania Wellby is an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Sex Therapist. She's dual trained, which means she works across both the mental health side and the sex therapy side of what people bring into the room, including desire, sexual trauma, sexuality and relationships.
#116
August 31 · 24 min
Love Without Desire: Navigating Spark Loss
You love your partner and you'd choose them again if you had to do it all over, so why did you stop wanting sex with them? As a couples therapist, this is one of the most common things I hear from couples, and it's almost never about love running out. In this episode, I break down why love and desire run on completely different systems, how safety and familiarity can quietly work against your sex life, what becoming a parent does to desire (and why being touched out is different from just being tired), how resentment blocks desire and why waiting for spontaneous desire to strike is a myth that's setting you up to wait forever. I also share practical ways to bring the spark back without adding pressure, including the difference between wanting and willing and one simple exercise you can try tonight. If you've been quietly wondering whether something's wrong with you or your relationship, this episode is for you. Free conflict workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/ Free guide to sex and intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/ Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ 0:00 Why you can love someone and still not want sex with them 6:00 Becoming a parent and feeling touched out 12:00 Resentment and the mental load 15:00 Why waiting for spontaneous desire is a myth 20:00 Bringing back novelty, fun and playfulness ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#115
August 17 · 18 min
My Partner Wants Sex More Than I Do
The kitchen is finally clean. You've sat down for the first time all day. Then a hand lands on your back and your shoulders go tight before you've decided anything at all. You love them. You're just completely done, and you already know how tonight goes if you say no. This week I answer a listener question from someone who wants sex less often than her partner does and has started to wonder whether something is wrong with her. We talk about why the number is almost never the actual problem, what's really driving the tension in these dynamics and what you can do about it. Things Discussed The listener question: my partner wants sex more than I do, and I feel like I'm failing at something I'm supposed to want Why differences in desire show up in most long term relationships at some point What shifts desire over time, including illness, medication side effects, parenting, stress, hormone changes and body changes Why a difference in desire doesn't mean you're incompatible The meaning people make of a no, and why that meaning does more damage than the no itself Sexual scripts and the templates we all carry about who initiates and how it's supposed to go Why there's no normal frequency, and why many couples have never agreed on what sex even means to them The golden rule: it's fun, it's pleasurable, everyone is willing and able, and no can be said without an unintended consequence How affection drops off when every touch feels loaded, from opposite ends of the couch to not holding hands Being lonely in the same house, living like housemates or ships in the night Responsive desire and spontaneous desire, and why waiting to feel like it first can mean waiting a very long time Why planning for it and building anticipation isn't a failure of romance Why the big weekend away often ends in a fight instead of connection Emily Nagoski's accelerator and brakes analogy, and how two people can have very different sensitivities Taking sex off the table for an agreed period so bodies can relax How to open the conversation, when to have it, and why your first attempt is allowed to be a rough draft The sex education most of us got, and what it left out Timestamps 0:00 The hand on your back and the panic that follows 1:00 The listener question and why it comes up so often 2:00 Differences in desire show up in most long term relationships 3:00 What changes desire over time 4:00 Sexual scripts and the meaning we make of a no 4:50 There is no normal frequency 6:30 How affection slides off the agenda 8:00 Lonely in the same house 9:40 Responsive desire and the myth of spontaneous desire 11:20 Planning, anticipation and why it still counts 12:50 Why the weekend away backfires 13:40 Accelerators and brakes 14:40 Taking sex off the table 16:10 How to start the conversation 17:40 You are not failing at anything Resources and Links Free guide to talking about sex and intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/ Relationship Reset, including the full module on intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Couples Therapy Masterclass series for therapists, including the module on working with desire discrepancy: https://marievakakis.com.au/professionals-training/ Work with me: https://marievakakis.com.au/contact/ Episode with Dr Sarah Ashton on sexual scripts and desire: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1xGrzIjeplUPmQ9zCfOfnX?si=9wX0pMK4QN6I8xEDT3XVMg Books mentioned Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski Come Together by Emily Nagoski Keep the Conversation Going Got a question you want answered on the podcast? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 I read every question that comes in, even the ones I cannot get to. ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#114
August 11 · 31 min
Why Mental Health Advice Doesn't Change What You Do a Conversation with All in the Mind Host Sana Qadar
Why doesn't mental health advice change what you actually do? You can name your attachment style, explain what co-regulation means and know exactly why yelling isn't helping, and still lose it before school drop off. In this episode I talk with Sana Qadar, host of the ABC's All in the Mind, about the gap between knowing the research and using it, the mental health words that have lost their meaning, and the one parenting strategy she took home and used within the week. Things we discussed How a journalist who trained to be a war reporter ended up hosting a psychology podcast Why being fluent in mental health language isn't the same as changing your behaviour The anti yelling advice from Dr Lindsay Gibson that fixed Sana's morning routine overnight Turning the school morning into a game instead of a fight The difference between willpower and building a system around yourself What has actually changed in how we talk about mental health in the last five years Trauma, ADHD and narcissism used as catchall terms, and what gets lost when they are How Sana decides how much of her own life to share with listeners Working out whether the person giving you advice online is actually qualified Why almost every episode about the brain turns out to be a story about a relationship What makes you hard to live with, and what it means when someone calls you unreflective Timestamps 0:00 Intro 1:40 From war reporting to psychology and neuroscience 2:40 Why knowing the research doesn't mean you're doing the work 4:40 The parenting advice she took home and used that week 6:20 How much of yourself to share when you host a show 9:20 The basket of paper tasks that changed their mornings 10:10 What has shifted in how we talk about mental health 11:00 Trauma, ADHD and therapy speak as catchall labels 12:40 The story that stayed with her 16:00 What it's like being the one getting interviewed 21:30 How to work out if someone is qualified to give advice 24:30 Why every brain story is really a relationship story 27:20 What makes you hard to live with About Sana Sana Qadar is the host of All in the Mind on ABC Radio National. She spent ten years working in international news before moving into psychology and mental health reporting, and has been hosting All in the Mind full time since 2021. She isn't a psychologist or a therapist, which is exactly why this conversation is useful. If you have a topic you'd like the show to cover, you can email allinthemind@abc.net.au. Resources and links All in the Mind podcast – get it on the ABC listen app or where ever you get your podcasts Keep the conversation going Got a question or a topic you'd like covered? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
#113
August 3 · 15 min
The 5 Love Languages: What the Research Actually Says
The five love languages have sold over 20 million copies and become one of the most widely used frameworks in pop psychology. Most couples have done the quiz. A lot of them have tried to apply it. In this episode, Marie talks about what the research actually found when the core claims were tested, where the framework falls short in practice, and what consistently shows up in the research as a far better predictor of relationship satisfaction. Things Discussed The origins of the five love languages and why the book resonated with so many people Why the framework was based on pastoral counselling, not research What the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy found when it formally tested the core claims Why having the same primary love language as your partner doesn't predict relationship satisfaction The ways people misuse the love languages: as a compatibility test, a measuring stick, or a fixed diagnosis Why love language preferences shift with life stage, stress and having kids Responsiveness and bids for connection: what the research shows is a far better predictor of relationship satisfaction Love maps: understanding your partner's inner world, why most couples stop updating them after three to five years, and what that costs Practical steps: asking your partner what would make them feel loved right now, staying curious, keeping the conversation going Timestamps 0:00 Introduction 1:00 Why the five love languages resonated and what the book got right 2:15 The research gap: pastoral counselling versus evidence 3:00 The five categories and what the research found about shared love languages 4:30 What goes wrong: love languages as a compatibility test 6:00 Responsiveness and bids for connection 8:00 Love maps and staying updated on your partner's inner world 10:30 What to do instead 13:30 Relationship Reset and how to get support Resources and Links The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman Relationship Reset Course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Keep the Conversation Going forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#112
July 8 · 25 min
Why does my partner get so defensive?
Your partner gets defensive and suddenly the conversation you needed to have is completely buried. Now you’re defending yourself, they’re defending themselves, and whatever you actually needed to talk about is gone. This is one of the most common things I see in couples therapy, and in almost every case there’s more going on underneath the surface than it looks like from where you’re standing. What this episode covers What defensiveness usually is: a reaction to how something was delivered, not just a personality trait Criticism vs contempt: the two Gottman concepts that predict relationship breakdown and how they trigger defensive responses How to tell the difference between attacking the person and describing your own experience The shopping trolley story: intention, impact and interpretation, and why couples fight about the wrong thing How past experiences, trauma and negative sentiment override shape the way your partner hears what you say Why some people are wired to hear an attack even when there isn’t one What to do when you see defensiveness coming, including the gentle startup Leading with curiosity instead of accusation How to ask your partner to rephrase something when it has landed wrong Timestamps 0:00 Introduction 2:00 Criticism and contempt: what Gottman research tells us 4:00 How you start the conversation changes everything 6:00 Intention, impact and interpretation 10:00 When interpretation becomes the story we tell ourselves 13:00 How past experiences and trauma shape defensive responses 17:00 What to do when your partner gets defensive 20:00 How to phrase things differently and ask for a rephrase Resources and Links Conflict Workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/ Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/marathon-couples-therapy/ ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#111
June 29 · 28 min
Grief: How to Cope and Support Someone Grieving
Grief is one of those feelings we don't talk about very well, even though every single one of us will live through it. In this solo episode I sit with grief in all its forms, from the loss we expect to the loss that knocks us sideways. I talk about what helped me, what I see in the therapy room, and the small practical things that actually make a difference when you're the one grieving or the one trying to support someone who is. Things Discussed The many different types of grief, and why having language for them helps Anticipatory grief, and what it's like to slowly lose a grandparent to dementia The things people say with the best intentions that quietly make grief harder Why two people can lose the same person and grieve like strangers Grief bursts, and why a wave of sadness can arrive months or years later How to genuinely show up for someone instead of asking them to tell you what they need What to do when grief comes out as anger Why comparing whose loss is worse misses the point entirely Timestamps 0:00 Why we don't talk about grief 0:30 The many types of grief 2:20 My first experiences of grief 5:30 Grief and love arrive together 9:30 What not to say to someone grieving 13:00 Practical grievers and feeling grievers 17:40 How to actually show up for someone 22:30 Anticipatory grief Resources and Links Inside Social Work: When a Client Dies by Suicide: Reflections for Mental Health Professionals Work with a therapist Question or topic suggestions: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Keep the Conversation Going Got a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, or a topic you'd like me to explore? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#110
June 23 · 26 min
How to fall back in love with your partner
You still like each other. You get along well. There's no crisis, nothing obviously broken. You've just stopped feeling in love the way you used to, and you're not sure whether you can get it back. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it comes up more often than almost anything else I hear in my consulting room. What this episode covers Why what you're describing is extremely common and what the difference between drifting apart and falling out of love actually means The plant metaphor: why a relationship that doesn't get what it needs fails not because it wasn't resilient but because it wasn't tended Five signs you've drifted: patterns have become functional rather than romantic, conversation is mostly logistics, small moments of connection have disappeared, you're on autopilot, you're coexisting rather than connecting Why this happens, especially when children arrive, and why the relationship gets quietly deprioritised because it seems more stable than everything else demanding your attention The emotional piggy bank: why small consistent deposits build the buffer you need when hard times come, and why so many couples are in overdraft Bids for connection and the three ways we respond to them Why weekend getaways often make things worse and what actually works instead How to start the conversation using I statements that describe feelings rather than the other person's behaviour Why tone matters as much as words and how the same sentence can land completely differently depending on how it's delivered How to pick the right timing for a difficult conversation and stop setting each other up to fail The marathon session story: a couple who fell back in love after two days of deep conversation Small deposits to start today Timestamps 0:00 Introduction and the Ask Marie question 2:30 Why drifting apart is different from falling out of love 5:30 Five signs you've drifted 15:00 Why it happens: parenting and deprioritising the relationship 20:00 What actually works 23:00 Bids for connection and the emotional piggy bank 27:00 How to start the conversation 32:00 Picking the right time 35:00 The marathon session story Resources and Links Relationship Reset course Open-ended questions for couples Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub Keep the Conversation Going Got a question for Ask Marie? Send it through: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#109
June 1 · 27 min
7 signs your partner is emotionally checked out
You're spending time together. Dinners, dog walks, evenings on the couch. Nobody's fighting, nothing is obviously broken. Something feels completely off and you can't quite point to it. In this episode I walk through seven signs your partner might be emotionally checked out, even when everything looks fine from the outside. What this episode covers Sign 1: Questions that became routine rather than curious, and why knowing what's happening in your partner's life makes you better at asking the follow-up Sign 2: Physical affection quietly dropping, not just sex but the small everyday moments of touch, and why this can happen so slowly that hugging each other starts to feel slightly foreign Sign 3: Managing each other instead of talking, when the relationship starts to run like a workplace, and why that efficiency is a warning sign rather than a sign of maturity Sign 4: The phone as a barrier and an escape, what it signals when someone reaches for their device in uncomfortable moments, and the case for tech-free time together Sign 5: They stop mentioning the things that bother them, why silence in a relationship isn't always peace, and what it actually means when someone stops trying to bring things up Sign 6: They stop showing up for the moments that matter, from milestones and anniversaries to tough days, and how what counts as showing up changes over time Sign 7: No more future talk, why planning together is one of the clearest signals of investment, and what it means when those conversations fall off the radar Why this usually develops: missed bids for connection, fights that end in stonewalling without repair, and a slow accumulation of unresolved things How to start the conversation without putting your partner on the defensive When to get outside support and what that might look like Timestamps 0:00 Introduction 1:30 Sign 1: Questions that became routine 5:30 Sign 2: Physical affection drops 8:00 Sign 3: Managing each other not talking 9:30 Sign 4: The phone 13:30 Sign 5: They stop sharing what bothers them 16:00 Sign 6: They stop showing up for big moments 19:00 Sign 7: No more future talk 20:30 Why it develops and how to start the conversation Resources and Links Relationship Reset course: marievakakis.com.au Free Conflict Workbook: marievakakis.com.au Connected Teens parenting course Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: thetherapyhub.com.au Connected Teen: marievakakis.com.au Keep the Conversation Going Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#108
May 21 · 29 min
Feeling lonely in your relationship? Ask Marie
Feeling lonely in a relationship even a good one? This is one of the most common things I hear in therapy, and one of the hardest feelings to name. You're in a relationship with someone you love. Nothing dramatic is wrong, there's no big fight, no obvious reason and most of the time you feel lonely. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it's one of the most common things I hear across both individual and couples therapy. In this episode I talk about what relational loneliness actually is, how it develops, why it's so hard to name, and what to do with it. What this episode covers What it means to feel lonely in the presence of someone who loves you, and why it's more common than most people feel permitted to say out loud The difference between being alone and feeling lonely, and why relational loneliness is often more painful How loneliness in a relationship develops gradually through small missed moments of connection rather than one dramatic event The Gottman concepts of turning towards and turning away, and how missed bids for connection accumulate over time How conflict style contributes to loneliness: when sharing something doesn't land well, we quietly stop sharing Why this feeling is so hard to name: guilt, fear of seeming ungrateful, and not feeling entitled to the emotion The headache metaphor: loneliness as a symptom that signals something underneath needs attention How to start the conversation with your partner without it turning into a fight What to do when every attempt to raise it gets shut down Why loneliness in a relationship is information, not a verdict Timestamps 4:00 What relational loneliness actually is 12:30 Conflict style and disconnection 22:00 How to start the conversation 28:00 When to get outside support 30:00 Loneliness is information, not a verdict Resources and Links Relationship Reset course: This is where to start if this episode resonated. Free Conflict Workbook Related episode: Drifting Apart in a Relationship Related episode: Bids for connection Keep the Conversation Going Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au
#107
May 4 · 32 min
Bad marriage advice with Monica Tanner
You've probably received the same relationship advice everyone gets. Never go to bed angry. Just communicate more. Send them the link. Some of it sounds reasonable and most of it gets misapplied in ways that create more problems than they solve. Monica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host and author of the Amazon bestselling book Bad Marriage Advice, and she joins me to talk about what couples have been taught that isn't actually helping them, and what works instead. What this episode covers Why never going to bed angry is one of the most misunderstood pieces of relationship advice and what it was actually meant to mean The HALTS acronym and why timing matters more than most couples realise when trying to work through conflict Monica's thought download exercise: how to separate what's actually happened from the story you're telling yourself about it Why an outsized reaction from your partner is almost never about what's happening right in front of you What Relational Life Therapy is and how the three phase approach works with couples The wise adult versus the adaptive child and what bringing yourself back online actually looks like in a heated moment Why understanding your partner doesn't mean agreeing with them How to share something you've learned with your partner without it turning into another argument What to do when one partner is unhappy and the other thinks everything is fine Monica's through line: if advice dampens communication, it's bad advice Timestamps 0:00 Introduction 1:00 How Bad Marriage Advice came about 2:30 Never go to bed angry: what it actually means 5:00 Monica's personal experience and what changed 7:30 HALTS and responsible distance taking 9:00 The thought download exercise 12:00 Empathy for deeply ingrained beliefs 13:00 What Relational Life Therapy is 15:30 How Monica and her husband navigate things now 17:00 If it's hysterical it's historical 18:00 Understanding does not equal agreement 19:30 Being curious without being condescending 20:00 Walking on eggshells and when to get help 21:30 How to introduce this to your partner without it backfiring 24:00 Sending 30 reels and what it really means 27:00 When one partner wants to work on things and the other doesn't 30:00 Why going to therapy alone can still shift a dynamic Resources and Links Monica Tanner's website: monicatanner.com Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast: monicatanner.com Bad Marriage Advice by Monica Tanner: available on Amazon Relationship Reset course: marievakakis.com.au Keep the Conversation Going Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au Monica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host of Secrets of Happily Ever After and author of Bad Marriage Advice. Find her at monicatanner.com. website: https://monicatanner.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/monitalksmarriage Youtube: https://youtube.com/@secretsofhappilyeverafter
#106
April 27 · 38 min
The Fawn Response: What It Is and how to change it
If you've ever agreed to something and immediately regretted it, apologised for something that wasn't your fault, or changed your opinion halfway through a conversation just to keep the peace, this episode is for you. The fawn response is one of the least understood nervous system patterns and one of the most invisible. It looks like being easygoing, warm and accommodating. From the outside it can be indistinguishable from kindness. The cost of it is paid quietly, and over time. What this episode covers What the fawn response is and how it sits alongside fight, flight and freeze as a distinct nervous system pattern The research behind it including Pete Walker's clinical work and what polyvagal theory adds to our understanding How fawning shows up day to day: constant apologising, abandoning your opinions mid-conversation, shape shifting between social groups, and checking behaviours in relationships Why fawning gets mistaken for being a good person and how it gets culturally rewarded, particularly for women Where the fawn response comes from and why it almost always starts in childhood What fawning is actually costing you: chronic low-level resentment, disconnection, and a gradual loss of your own sense of self and preferences The difference between fawning and genuine kindness, and the body test that tells you which one you're doing Whether fawning is always a trauma response What to actually do about it, starting with low-stakes moments and one phrase that changes everything Whether the fawn response goes away once you recognise it Timestamps 0:00 Introduction 1:00 What the fawn response is and where the research comes from 3:00 Fight, flight, freeze and fawn explained 4:30 How fawning shows up in everyday life 10:00 Why fawning gets mistaken for being a good person 12:00 Where the fawn response comes from 16:00 Why fawning rather than fight or flight 19:00 What it's actually costing you 22:00 How fawning creates distance not closeness 23:00 What to actually do about it 26:00 Low-stakes practice 30:00 When to seek support 31:00 Q&A: Is fawning the same as people pleasing? 32:00 Q&A: Is fawning always a trauma response? 33:00 Q&A: How do I know if I'm fawning or just being nice? 35:00 Q&A: Can fawning develop in adulthood? 36:30 Q&A: Does fawning go away once you recognise it? Keep the Conversation Going Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au
#105
April 19 · 26 min
Help, We Keep Fighting About Money
Most couples have had the same money argument dozens of times without ever having the real conversation underneath it. Research shows that 58% of Australian couples report finances as a major source of conflict, and a study of over 5,500 couples found the pattern of the conversation predicted the outcome, not the financial situation. This episode covers: Why money fights are almost never about the money The money stories we carry from childhood and how they shape every conversation about finances How money becomes about power, identity and influence in a relationship The gendered lens we bring to money conversations and why it matters Questions to ask your partner to open the conversation rather than shut it down Why curiosity before problem solving is the thing that actually changes things ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#104
April 8 · 30 min
Sex and Disability: Pleasure Is for Everyone
Sex and disability. Two words most people still find uncomfortable in the same sentence. I sat down with sexologist Casey Payne to talk about what we get wrong, why pleasure belongs to everyone regardless of how their body works, and what it actually looks like to reclaim intimacy after disability, illness, or a body that's changed. Things Discussed Why disability and sexuality are both taboo and what happens when you put them together Redefining sex beyond intercourse and why that matters for anyone whose body has changed The orgasm gap and why around 90 per cent of women can't orgasm through penetration alone How carers and parents can support sexual autonomy without having every conversation themselves Practical ways to start reclaiming pleasure after illness, injury, or chronic health conditions How to find a sexologist in Australia and what to expect Chapter Timestamps [00:00] Sex and disability: why this conversation matters [03:00] Redefining what sex actually is [06:30] Body image and who sex is for [09:00] The orgasm gap and sex toys as tools [13:00] Carers, parents and adult sexuality [18:30] How sex education lowers abuse risk [22:00] Reclaiming sexuality after disability [26:00] Starting with pleasure, not sex [28:00] What sex education should look like [29:30] How to find a sexologist in Australia Resources and Links The Body Is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor, includes a workbook The Orgasm Gap by Karen Gurney Sex Education on Netflix, seasons 1 and 2 recommended Society of Australian Sexologists: sexologist.org.au Pleasure Pixel professional development course for support workers: pleasurepixel.com.au Free resource on getting comfortable talking about sex: marievakakis.com.au/time-to-get-comfortable-talking-about-sex Keep the Conversation Going Download the free resource at marievakakis.com.au/time-to-get-comfortable-talking-about-sex Got a question about sex, intimacy, or relationships? Submit it at forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 and it might feature in a future Ask Marie episode. If this episode resonated, share it with someone who might need it. A rating on Apple Podcasts helps more people find the show. Guest Information Casey Payne is a sexologist specialising in sexual health, disability, and intimacy, with a professional development course for support workers and other resources for adults at pleasurepixel.com.au. About the Show https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/marievakakis/ https://www.youtube.com/@marievakakis facebook.com/marievakakisconsulting
#103
March 30 · 19 min
The Psychology of the Ick — and What It Says About You
The ick in dating, it’s that moment where someone does something completely normal, and your whole body just shuts down. A 2025 study found that 64% of people have felt it, and about a quarter ended the relationship because of it. It is a real psychological phenomenon, and it might be telling you more about yourself than the person across the table. This episode covers: What the ick actually is and why it happens Red flags versus superficial triggers How shame, projection and avoidant attachment show up as the ick Whether we are being too picky in the wrong ways and not picky enough in the right ones What to do when the ick shows up in your relationship Resources: If you want to move from reacting to reflecting, download my Conflict & Connection Guide to help you navigate those moments of disconnect. https://marievakakis.com.au/working-with-conflict-in-couples-therapy/ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/guys-things-women-do-ick_l_65fdc42fe4b087dad305664b

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