Something Shiny: ADHD!

Why Emotional Control Is So Much Harder with ADHD (and the Simple Things That Actually Help)

If you have ADHD, you’ve probably lost your temper and then hated yourself for it. Snapped at your kid over something small. Flipped the table, at least emotionally, before you even understood why. And then came the familiar spiral: I messed up. I did something wrong. I’m a bad person. This episode is about why that keeps happening, and it’s not what you’ve been told. Your nervous system reacts longer, more intensely, and more frequently to everything. You’re taking more swings in a day than most people take in a week, which means more misses, more rejection, more hits. And the emotional regulation skills you’ve been handed since childhood, sit on your hands, inside voice, calm down, were mostly designed to make everyone else comfortable. David asks the question out loud: if ADHD comes with emotional dysregulation, is emotional regulation just masking? Then they get to what helps, and it’s simpler than you think. Not more willpower. Not trying harder inside your own head, which Isabelle points out is asking your brain to do something it’s not wired to do when it’s already on fire. Something else. Something outside of you. In this episode: Why you’re outraged before you even understand why, and what’s actually firing first in your brain The monkey, the grapes, and what a famous fairness experiment reveals about ADHD rage Why most people get two or three at-bats a game and ADHD brains take 80 or 90 David’s question: is emotional regulation just masking? And Isabelle’s nerdy, honest answer The thermometer problem: why a more sensitive nervous system picks up everything What actually gives an ADHD brain pause when it’s already on fire ------- Wait, What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: Monotropic Focus Isabelle’s term for how her brain holds attention, possibly, she says, the autism in her: one thing in front of her, usually one distraction, and that’s about all the brain is holding at once. One channel, fully occupied. Moral Injury The feeling Isabelle names when the world feels unjust or life is hitting you extra lifey. Not just witnessing something unfair, but carrying the weight of it in yourself. If dumpster fire be spreading to the roof resonates, this is the term for why. The Monkey Fairness Video Isabelle promised this one in the show notes, and it’s real: primatologist Frans de Waal’s famous capuchin experiment, where two monkeys do the same task and one gets paid better. The underpaid monkey’s reaction is the most relatable thing you’ll watch this week. David retells it his own way, with his own grape math, and honestly his version is also great. Watch it here. The Lag Isabelle said she’d look this one up, so here it is. The research she’s describing comes from Benjamin Libet’s famous experiments: your brain’s readiness to move fires measurably before your conscious decision to move. You move first, then tell yourself you chose to. A clear explainer here. The Tale of the Dueling Neurosurgeons by Sam Kean The book Isabelle references on how we came to understand the brain, written by a science writer whose footnotes alone, sometimes two pages long and gloriously tangential, earn her neurospicy seal of approval. Find it here. Classical Conditioning and Positive Reinforcement Defined on tape by Isabelle: adding something right after a behavior as a way of saying you did it, keep doing that. Applaud the trick when it happens, not at the end of the show. It’s how the monkey learned first this, then this, which is exactly why the unfairness landed so hard. Intermittent Reinforcement David’s favorite behavioral wrinkle: the strongest form of reinforcement is not knowing what you’ll get. Slot machines, loot boxes, Pokemon packs. Which makes the monkey’s rage even more interesting, because by the book, surprise grapes should have made it work harder. It didn’t. It called bullshit. ABA Applied Behavior Analysis, a longstanding intervention method for kids on the spectrum that many autistic adults now take serious issue with, because so much of it rewarded looking fine over being fine. Isabelle names it as the clearest example of regulation skills built to contain a person instead of help them. The Marshmallow Test The famous research setup Isabelle references: put a kid in front of a marshmallow, tell them not to eat it, and measure the self-control. Her point is what happens when you give that same test to two kids, one with a brain like hers and one without, then call the results fair. ------- 💬 What’s the small thing that set you off this week, and when did you figure out what was actually underneath it? Leave a comment on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, we read them. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you, you were never too much.

Why Writing Can Feel Impossible with ADHD (and How to Make It Finally Work)

If you have ADHD, odds are you love consuming books. But if the thought of writing one ever came up, you probably shut it down fast. I could never do that. Maybe you were taught there’s only one way to write. Maybe the sheer amount of structure you thought it required overwhelmed you before you ever started. Maybe you panicked, decided you were just lazy or a bad writer, and stopped. This episode is proof that voice was never about you. You have it in you. David and Isabelle sit down with Chloe Martinez and Lisa Van Orman Hadley, editors of Chaos, Creativity, Completion: New Approaches to Writing and ADHD, a compilation of essays from creatives with ADHD on how they actually get their writing done, published by the University of Chicago Press. They tell the story of how they connected over their own ADHD, went looking for a book like this, and discovered it didn’t exist. So they made it. In this episode: The accommodations that took David from “I will never write the books” to being in one What to do when the writing won’t come, and why Chloe doesn’t believe in writer’s block Lisa starts everything and can’t finish. Chloe finishes everything and can’t start. How pairing up got a whole book done. The packed conference room where knitting, stimming, and moving were announced as welcome, and what that unlocked The one word Lisa’s husband noticed in every single essay, and why it, not ADHD, is the real thing to solve How to read your own sensory needs before you write a word, from clearing the desk to leaving for the cafe ------- Wait, What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: AWP The Association of Writers and Writing Programs conference. Tens of thousands of creative writers, teachers, and publishers every year. It’s where Chloe and Lisa’s panel on writing and ADHD drew a packed, double-sized room, and where an editor approached them about making the book. lawrence-minh bùi davis Contributor behind the essay “Ghosts by the Light of My ADHD.” Chloe points to his writing prompt in particular: an exercise in gathering sensory data about yourself before you ever start writing, so you can build a space that actually works for your brain. Immersive Writing From another essay in the book Lisa shares: a writer working on a story set near the Atlantic Ocean who went to the ocean every day and wrote there. If you’re stuck, maybe the fix isn’t more discipline. Maybe it’s a different location. ------- 💬 What’s the thing you stopped doing because someone made it hurt? Leave a comment on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, we read them! 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you, you were never too much.

SUMMER REPLAY: Why "Back to School" Wrecks ADHD Brains (and the Reframe That Helps!)

If you have ADHD, the back to school season hits from every direction at once. The end of summer. The end of freedom, staying up late, seeing your people. Then the start of everything: school, homework, earlier mornings, packed schedules. David calls it two oceans slamming together. If you're a parent watching your kid melt down over grab-your-backpack-let's-go, you're losing bandwidth just as fast as they are. Probably blaming yourself for it too. And no kids? This season still finds you. Your routines scramble right along with everyone else's, whatever's going around the schools lands in your workplace within weeks, and even just seeing the school supplies out in stores can stir up feelings you thought you left behind years ago. The refusing, the stalling, the "I don't wanna," yours or your kid's, is very often something else entirely. David and Isabelle get into why every demand costs more this season. Why even a pleasant thing can feel like one ask too many. Then the reframe that changed how Isabelle parents, sees clients, and talks to herself. When her clients hear it, the first thing they say is some version of: oh my gosh, I'm not lazy or stubborn. She demonstrates it with nothing but her ten fingers, and it comes with real relief you can use this week: what to lower, what to stop expecting of yourself during the transition, and how to respond to the meltdown, yours or theirs, with help instead of blame. Also in here: Isabelle shares something personal she's just starting to explore about her own brain. Plus the greatest allergy medication story ever recorded on this podcast, in which Isabelle, fully awake in her own apartment, watches a hallucinated Tim Curry wander into her kitchen looking for a snack. This is also the last episode of our Summer Replay series. If you're listening in real time, brand-new episodes return Wednesday, September 9! In this episode: Why back to school is the most complicated transition of the year, even years past your last classroom The ten-fingers demonstration that shows where your bandwidth actually goes every morning The "I don't wanna" that isn't defiance, what it actually is, and what changes when you can tell the difference What Isabelle is exploring about her own brain, and why doing this for a living didn't make it obvious Isabelle's fully-awake hallucination of Tim Curry asking for a snack, courtesy of a common allergy med The childhood song David got tormented with, and the recording that might have accidentally healed it ------- Wait, What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: The Histamine Thing Isabelle promises the science on this one, so here it is. Histamine isn't just the allergy chemical, it's a brain neurotransmitter that keeps you awake and alert, and allergy meds that cross into the brain mess with exactly that system. She was not talking pseudoscience. Read the research here. (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19843401/) Legend The 1985 fantasy movie starring Tom Cruise covered in glitter, with Tim Curry as a giant horned demon. Eighties scary was a different animal. This one stayed with Isabelle from childhood, which matters once a common allergy medicine meets her subconscious. Boy by Roald Dahl The autobiography of the author behind Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and The BFG. Read it once, then you understand why his books are full of kids surviving a scary, unfair world run by cruel adults, and why the sensitive, kind kid is always the hero. Find it here. (https://www.amazon.com/Boy-Tales-Childhood-Roald-Dahl/dp/014241381X) Tim Curry's Davy Crockett A real track from Disney's Music From The Park, a real 1996 album of popular artists covering the classic catalog. The Barenaked Ladies doing Grim Grinning Ghosts is on there too. Tim Curry does Davy Crockett as spoken jazz, fully Tim Curry, at one point just asking "David Crockett?" like he's questioning the man himself. You cannot make this up. It plays a surprising role in this episode. Hear it here. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_TvXa3TtPI) Persistent Drive to Autonomy (PDA) A term rooted in the autism community, originally called pathological demand avoidance. David and Isabelle both have complicated feelings about the label. Isabelle prefers pervasive demand avoidance, or persistent drive to autonomy. What it describes is the heart of this episode, and it applies across the whole neurospicy spectrum. AuDHD Having both autism and ADHD. Isabelle shares that she's genuinely curious where she lands. Doing this work professionally hasn't made the answer obvious. Recognizing yourself in the people you love and just get? That's its own kind of data. Spoons Shorthand from spoon theory. You start the day with a limited number, everything costs at least one, and when they're gone, they're gone. Isabelle's clients reach for this language the moment they finally stop calling themselves lazy. ------- 💬 What's the one demand that broke you this week? The earlier alarm, the lunch packing, the meet-the-teacher small talk, the third form asking for the same information. Tell us yours in the comments on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. We read every one. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you, you were never too much.

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SUMMER REPLAY: What Systems Believe ADHD Looks Like vs. Who You Really Are

If you have ADHD, there's a good chance somebody labeled you before anybody actually saw you. Maybe you were the kid making commotion, so everyone knew, and what they knew was that you were a problem. Maybe you were quiet about it, so nobody knew at all, and you disappeared to the nurse's office for your second dose wondering why none of your classmates had to. Different labels. Same miss. This one is a four-brain conversation. David and Isabelle are joined by Bobby, Isabelle's husband, and Ashley, David's childhood friend, diagnosed in fourth grade back in 1994, when almost nobody was talking about this, and definitely not about girls having it. What she says about how differently the same brain gets read depending on who's wearing it, and what David admits about the messages he grew up hearing, goes somewhere none of them planned. This episode is part of the Something Shiny Summer Replay series, where David and Isabelle are pulling some of their most powerful episodes back into the feed. If you've heard this one, it's worth hearing again. If you haven't, it might be exactly the one you need. Either way, your brain gets something to hold onto this summer. In this episode: Why boys with ADHD get caught and girls get missed, and what each one costs The reading struggle almost nobody connects to ADHD, and why audiobooks would have been a game-changer The familiar-music trick for focus, the one rule that makes it work, and why it does nothing for David David's anchor memory demonstration on Isabelle, live, mid-episode, and what it unlocks Why kids who aren't white get conduct disorder labels instead of ADHD diagnoses The Spokesmanship Award, invented by a school entirely because of Bobby ------- Wait, What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: Eye Tracking Issues A real, physical piece of ADHD almost nobody talks about. Impulsivity jumps you to the wrong word or the wrong line. Attention drift has you thinking about whether the fridge is closed while you read the same sentence for the fourth time. If you've ever spent two hours on the same page, this is for you. Anchor Memory The thing David demonstrates on Isabelle in real time. She's convinced she remembers nothing from a college textbook. He asks smaller and smaller questions about what was physically on the page, and her memory opens up, all the way down to a cuneiform doodle she fell asleep staring at. Concrete details unlock what you could have sworn was gone. Response Cost Understanding the consequences of your actions later down the road. David's version: skip class because the homework isn't done, then skip again to avoid trouble for skipping, then a month is gone and the school has decided you have a behavior problem. Oppositional Defiant Disorder A clinical diagnosis marked by intentional conflict with authority, and it is not ADHD. David's distinction: an ADHD kid will fight tooth and nail for the Snickers bar, not caring who's in the way. An oppositional defiant kid fights the person because of who the person is. The episode gets into who keeps getting handed this label instead of an ADHD diagnosis, and why. "I Want To Meet Richard Dreyfuss" A real concept album by Gabriel Gundacker that Bobby listened to for two months straight, about a singer wanting to meet Richard Dreyfuss. Find it on Spotify. ------- 💬 What label did somebody put on you before they actually saw you? Leave a comment on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, we read them. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you, you were never too much.

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SUMMER REPLAY: You're a Champion Shame Spiraler. Here's How to Retire.

If you have ADHD, there's a decent chance the way you motivate yourself is by beating yourself up. The internal spiral that goes: if I mess this up, no one's gonna like me, then I lose the job, then everything falls apart. It works, kind of. Things get done. So you keep doing it, and it costs you every single time. Here's what this episode gets into: that spiral is fuel. Shame turns into fear, fear speeds up your heart, and that jolt is the stimulation your ADHD brain knows best. Which is exactly why you keep going back to it. And it's also why you don't have to. David tells the story of a talk he gives every year, and the spiral that used to come with it: mess this up, lose the job, end up homeless. What he does now instead changes everything. He plans the freak-out. He times it. And when the nerves show up early, he has a line for them. Isabelle has a realization on air about her own spiraling that might be yours too. And Bobby, Isabelle's husband, is in this one, live in the middle of an understudy gig he has to memorize on his own, showing the whole thing actually works. This episode is part of the Something Shiny Summer Replay series, where David and Isabelle are pulling some of their most powerful episodes back into the feed. If you've heard this one, it's worth hearing again. If you haven't, it might be exactly the one you need. Either way, your brain gets something to hold onto this summer. In this episode: Why beating yourself up feels like motivation, and what it's actually costing you The jungle gym story from David's childhood that explains response cost, and why Isabelle's whole body reacted to it What shame does to your heart rate, and why your brain keeps choosing the spiral David's plan-the-freak-out system, including the line he says when the panic shows up early How Bobby memorized a lead role scene by scene with no rehearsals and no self-beating The three questions Isabelle lands on at the end, and why David says they took him 30 years ------- Wait, What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: Response Cost The part of your brain that understands the future consequences of your actions. David explains it through a childhood story about a jungle gym, a 15-foot jump, and a game of follow the leader nobody would follow. As a kid his brain never ran the math on what could go wrong an hour later. That's the deficit, and it's a very ADHD one. Shame vs Guilt David's distinction: shame is what you feel when other people can see it. Guilt is what you feel when no one can. His example involves peeing your pants in public versus in private, and honestly it makes the whole thing click. The Shame Spiral The internal escalation from one mistake to total catastrophe. Mess up the talk, lose the job, partner leaves, homeless. David maps his out loud, and Isabelle owns being a champion at it. The episode's whole argument is that the spiral is a stimulation source, not a character flaw. The Shame Horse David's name for the freak-out energy once you've scheduled it instead of fighting it. The shame horse is ready to go at the appointed time. Isabelle's translation: you time your shame horse. Simulation Machines Isabelle's term for what our brains are constantly doing: observing, comparing, and measuring ourselves against how the world, television, and everything we've read says a thing should be done. David's counter is the Norman Rockwell Christmas. Is everyone in Tucson doing Christmas wrong? They're not. Robin David's partner, who delivered the line that changed everything: you're not gonna clean a little every day, you're gonna freak out and do all of it the night before while I'm at work, and it'll be done. She was right. David stopped pretending otherwise, and it just gets done now. ------- 💬 What's your version of the spiral, and what would it mean to retire from it? Leave a comment on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, we read them. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you, you were never too much.

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SUMMER REPLAY: You Don't Need to Stop Procrastinating. You Need to Get Better at It.

If you have ADHD, you've spent your whole life being told to stop procrastinating. And you've tried. But starting two weeks early feels like nothing. No pressure, no relief, no reward. Just the nagging sense you wasted an afternoon. So you wait. The deadline gets close, the stress kicks in, and suddenly you can work. You finish, you feel incredible, and then you beat yourself up for doing it the wrong way. Again. David's read: nothing here is broken. An ADHD brain needs a specific amount of stimulation to start a task, and a looming deadline manufactures exactly that. The threat is the fuel. The relief is the reward. Which changes the whole question. Not how do you stop procrastinating. How do you plan for it? How do you procrastinate more effectively? And when the pressure turns you into a monster, how do you give it a quiet place to go instead of pretending it won't show up? Isabelle's husband Bobby joins the conversation, and they share what happened the day they planned around Bobby's project stress instead of fighting it. Every argument they would normally have had just... didn't happen. No self-control required. A few minutes in, Isabelle goes quiet because this is suddenly applying to every area of her life. Fair warning: it might do that to you too. This episode is a Something Shiny summer replay, back in the feed while David and Isabelle take their break. In this episode: The difference between the task and the story you tell yourself about how it has to look Why doing the work early genuinely feels like nothing, and why the last minute feels like winning The monster, and why the goal was never to stop being one How Isabelle and Bobby avoided every fight in a day without using an ounce of self-control Why Isabelle is done sitting through baths she hates, and what that has to do with how you've been told to relax What David means when he says everyone with ADHD believes they're an imposter ------- Wait, What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: Task vs Emotionality David's frame for the whole episode. The task is the thing you're trying to accomplish. The emotionality is everything you pile on top of it. Your assumptions, your fears, your beliefs about how it's supposed to be done. If the task is sweating once a day, the task is sweating once a day. It doesn't matter if you got there in a class, on a trail, or by hauling groceries up the stairs. Deciding it only counts one way is the emotionality. Wilfred Bion The psychoanalyst who developed the task versus emotionality idea back in the 1940s while studying how groups either focus or fall apart. David borrows it here and applies it to one brain instead of a room full of them. Self-Medicating with Emotion Why procrastination works. An ADHD brain needs a specific amount of stimulation to do a task. Anger, anxiety, and excitement all raise your heart rate, which means they all stimulate you. David compares it to a cup of coffee. Waiting until the deadline is close manufactures the stress, and the stress does the job. Delay of Gratification The part that explains why starting early feels so hollow. When you work under pressure, every step you take reduces the stress, so every step feels like relief. Do the same work two weeks early and there's no stress to relieve, so it just feels like you wasted an afternoon. Same work. Completely different reward. Extinction Burst A behavioral term for what happens when the thing that always worked suddenly stops working. David's example is the TV remote. You press the button, nothing happens, and instead of going to get a battery you press it harder, faster, at a new angle, pointed at a mirror. The escalation is the extinction burst. The Monster What an extinction burst looks like in a person. The fists, the stomping, the fury at a change you can't control. David's argument is that we all have one, that pretending otherwise is what makes it dangerous, and that the actual skill is planning for it and clearing the room instead of trying to shame it out of existence. Relational Trauma What builds up over years of watching everyone else do something easily that you cannot do. Your brain does not tell you there's too much stimulation in the room. Your brain tells you that you're stupid, or that you're not trying hard enough. That's the injury this episode is really about. Does cranberry juice prevent UTIs? Yes (and no). And one thing Isabelle learned on this internet rabbit hole: cranberry comes from "crane berry," named because the bilberry flower, when it withers, looks like the head and neck of a sand crane, a bird that feeds on the berries. Who knew? Full fascinating article here: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3370320/ ------- 💬 What's something you've been doing the "right" way that has never once actually worked for you? Leave a comment on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, we read them. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you, you were never too much.

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Summer Stole Your Structure. Here's What to Do About It.

Remember when summer meant you got to just... whatevs? No school, nowhere to be, just go. But then as an adult with ADHD, summer shows up and the structure just evaporates. Your kiddos are out of school. Friends are on vacation. Meetings get pushed, projects stall, and everyone who used to be available just... isn't. And yet you're still supposed to be fully operational. David and Isabelle call it what it is: the evaporation of structure. Your brain is literally zapped by all the change before summer even really starts. So they get into what actually helps. You start with a whimper. You give yourself a menu instead of a resolution. Two or three low-stakes things to work towards that don't have to look any specific way. David has a summer goal story in this episode that proves it... aaaaand might also end with Italian ice. The whole point is permission. Permission to do it your way and take a break before you think you need one. Which is exactly what David and Isabelle are doing. They're stepping away for the summer while still dropping some of the best past Something Shiny: ADHD! episodes into the feed for you to revisit. Perfect for those moments this summer when the routine is gone and your brain needs something to hold onto. In this episode: Why the evaporation of structure hits ADHD brains so hard, and why the first week is always a wash Why your brain is literally zapped by all the change before summer even really starts Why taking a break before you think you need one is one of the most adaptive things an ADHD brain can do The menu approach to summer and why it works when goals don't What getting out of the house alone for an hour a week actually does ------- Wait, What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: Dialectical David's word for something that holds two completely opposite truths at the same time. Summer is the break you waited for all year and also chaos incarnate. Both are true at once. Low-Demand Parenting Isabelle's approach to the summer transition. When the demands of changing schedules, new drop-offs, and constant curveballs go way up, she cuts herself and everyone around her way more slack. You cannot have all the disruption and all the expectations. Something has to give. The Menu Approach What David and Isabelle land on as the ADHD-friendly alternative to summer goals. Two or three low-stakes things to work towards through the summer. No pressure to finish. No pressure to do them every day. When your routine disappears, you pick from the menu. The Artist's Way A book by Julia Cameron that Isabelle brings up as a summer goal. Built around two practices: Morning Pages and the Artist Date. Morning Pages Three pages, any notebook, handwritten if possible, every day. Brain dump. You can burn them when you're done. The point is the release. Artist Date One hour a week, alone, outside the house, in a new environment that has nothing to do with your work. No spending required. Isabelle and Bobby still do these. Conception vs Perception David's distinction between what you imagine something will cost you and what it actually takes once you start. He started by walking around the block. One day he looked up from his audiobook and realized he was half a mile farther than he'd ever been. Replays What Something Shiny is dropping in the feed this summer while David and Isabelle take a break. Best of episodes coming your way now through August. Something Shiny Fanny Pack Isabelle's send-off going into the break: get the cool fanny packs and wear them with pride everywhere. Consider it one of your summer accommodations;) Grab yours here at www.somethingshinypodcast.com/merch/p/fanny-pack. ------- 💬 What's one thing you're doing your way this summer? Leave a comment on Apple Podcasts or Spotify — we read them. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you, you were never too much.

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Why Grief Keeps Finding You at 2 AM

If you have ADHD and grief shows up, do you stay busy? Keep moving? Find something else to do? Stay ahead of the quiet? And then through it all does it find you anyway? Waking up at 2 AM, out of nowhere, when you thought you were past it? That's not you doing grief wrong. That's just how ADHD brains grieve. And this episode is about what to actually do when it catches up. Last time, David and Isabelle unpacked why ADHD brains seem to grieve in the wrong order. Why you can stand dry-eyed at a funeral and then fall apart completely at a graduation. And why neither of those things means something is wrong with you. Then they get into the part nobody usually makes time for: what to actually do when it shows up. In this episode: Why ADHD brains get practical when grief shows up, and what it costs when everyone goes home The empirical case David makes from his own life for why how much you cry has nothing to do with how much you loved What it actually means to grieve something that isn't a person. A city. A chapter. A version of yourself that no longer fits. Isabelle's therapist's tool for making a date with your grief so it stops ambushing you at 2 AM ------- Wait, What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: Time Agnosia The ADHD experience of not being able to feel time passing the way neurotypical brains do. In this episode it comes up as one explanation for why grief doesn't hit when everyone expects it to. Your brain isn't programmed to feel things on the service's schedule. It hits when it hits, in its own time, in a future moment you weren't ready for. Asynchronous Processing What happens when your brain doesn't process the big emotional stuff in real time. You can be right in the middle of something and feel completely fine. Then weeks later on a walk, out of nowhere, it lands. That's not numbness. That's just how your brain works. Moral Reasoning Isabelle brings up something from a philosophy course that's stayed with her. The idea that a friend is someone you agree to mourn if they die before you. That choosing to be close to someone is already a quiet acknowledgment that one of you will miss the other. She has never forgotten it. Practical Griever The person who, when loss shows up, immediately pivots to action. Makes the calls, brings the food, goes and cleans the house. David and Isabelle both recognize themselves here. The thing is, the grief doesn't go anywhere. It just waits until the room gets quiet. Ambiguous Losses Grief without a clear name or a socially accepted reason to mourn. Moving away from a city you loved. Losing a version of yourself. A friendship that ended without a conversation. Isabelle talks about still carrying grief from leaving Chicago. These losses are real. They just rarely get the space real grief deserves. "Nora" David and Isabelle's shorthand for norepinephrine, the brain chemical wired into mood, attention, and stress response. Comes up here in the context of making sure your basic needs are met before you try to sit with the hard stuff. Nora has to be okay before grief can move through you the way it needs to. Duration Measure Isabelle's term for the container David's timer approach creates. When you decide you're going to sit with grief for a set amount of time and then get up, that's a duration measure. It makes the feeling tolerable because it has edges. You're not drowning in it. You know when it ends. Bobby Richards Isabelle's husband and the new Executive Producer of Something Shiny: ADHD. Gets a very well-earned shoutout in this episode for the audio upgrade you're hopefully hearing right now. Autonomic Nervous System The system that runs the involuntary stuff including heart rate, breathing, and stress response. Comes up in Isabelle's deep dive into dyspraxia and how the brain's predictive processing works differently in neurodivergent people. Dyspraxia A motor coordination difference that often shows up alongside ADHD and autism. Isabelle has a paradigm shift in this episode about what dyspraxia actually is and how it connects to the brain's predictive software. Why change is so dysregulating. Why your body is always ten steps behind your brain. AuDHD Having both autism and ADHD. Comes up as Isabelle and David get into the overlap between the two and what it means for how neurodivergent people process change, repetition, and sensory experience. ------- 💬 When has grief caught up with you in the quiet? On a walk, at 2 AM, weeks after you thought you were fine. Leave a comment on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. We read them. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you, you were never too much.

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Why You Couldn't Cry at the Funeral But Sobbed Over an IKEA Table — The Truth About ADHD and Grief

If you have ADHD, you might already know this particular kind of shame. You held it together at a super sad event (let's say a funeral). Dry-eyed, composed, functioning. And then weeks later you completely lost it over something small like a scratch in a piece of furniture, a voicemail you couldn't get a read on, or a realizing you missed claiming a hold on the book at the library you'd been waiting months for. Then you thought there was something wrong with you for not feeling grief or frustration when you were supposed to. Or for feeling it so hard in all the wrong places. Here's the thing: there's nothing wrong with you! And this episode is going to tell you why. This conversation with David and Isabelle started with the last ten percent of a move that never gets finished, with Christmas lights still up in January, with holiday cards that feel impossible to take down because taking them down means saying goodbye. You probably have your version of all of this. Isabelle shares her story of an IKEA table, a scrap truck, and how when her husband Bobby gave the table a voice in the alley while she watched from the window, she burst into tears. If any of this strikes a cord, David shares a reframe for all of these grief-based adventures. It's specific, it's kind, and it's going to rearrange some things you've been carrying around for a while. In this episode: Why ADHD brains declare mission accomplished at 95 percent done, and why the last bit never happens Why dopamine lives in anticipation, not completion, and what that means for the finish line of anything What Toy Story, Beauty and the Beast, and The Iron Giant actually did to neurodivergent brains (and why you always buy the wonky stuffed animal) Why ADHD brains tend to hold onto everything or onto nothing, and what both are reaching for Why you couldn't cry at the funeral but sobbed over an IKEA table, and what David says grief actually is ------- Wait, What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: The ROI Equation What David calls the moment at 95 percent done when your anxiety drops, your brain decides the job is basically finished, and completing the last bit suddenly feels pointless. Not laziness. Not a character flaw. Just math. Dopamine The brain chemical most associated with ADHD. It gets released in anticipation of a reward, not when the reward actually arrives. This is why ordering the pizza feels better than eating it, why the first ninety percent of a project is exciting and the last ten is impossible, and why the Christmas lights are still up in February. Norepinephrine (Nora) Comes in after dopamine and helps your brain make meaning of what just happened. Also wired into the stress and anxiety response, which is why finishing something can feel worse than you expected. David and Isabelle call it "nora" throughout the episode. Existential Intervention David's term for the conscious act of changing the meaning you attach to finishing something, since your brain won't generate that motivation on its own. Instead of waiting to feel ready, you decide what finishing actually means to you. That decision becomes the thing that gets you across the line. Near-peer mentoring Learning from someone just a few steps ahead of you rather than an expert at a distance. Comes up in the context of the pandemic, when both David and Isabelle realized everyone's life looked a lot more like theirs than they'd assumed. Animism The tendency to believe objects have feelings or inner lives. It shows up as why Isabelle is nearly in tears watching an IKEA table get picked up by a scrap truck, why David buys the dying flowers at the store, and why you feel genuinely bad about donating a stuffed animal with slightly off stitching. Most neurodivergent people have it. The episode makes a case for why that makes complete sense. ------- 💬 When has grief shown up for you in the wrong place? Dry-eyed at the funeral, then falling apart over a chipped mug or a table left out on the curb. Let us know in the comments on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. We read them! 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you, you were never too much.

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"I've Had ADHD My Whole Life. I Just Didn't Know It Yet."

If you have ADHD and you got your diagnosis as an adult, odds are it felt like a spotlight switched on over your entire life and everything, every struggle, every pattern, every thing you couldn't explain about yourself is suddenly lit up. Afdhel Aziz has spent decades building an extraordinary creative life. Writer, filmmaker, keynote speaker, Forbes contributor. He even recorded an entire album in his living room last year. Through it all buildling a framework that made his career work without knowing it was an accommodation. All of it running on a neurodivergent brain he didn't have a name for yet. Then about a month and a half before this conversation, that changed. What you're about to hear is what happens when David and Isabelle get to sit with someone who is learning to understand their ADHD in the moment. Unpacking in real time what his brain has been doing all along, why the things that worked worked, why the things that didn't couldn't, and what it means to finally see yourself clearly after years of a blurry reflection. The epiphanies were still arriving while we were recording. You'll feel that. In this episode: What a late ADHD diagnosis feels like when you're already successful The Four P's framework (Purpose, Priorities, Process, People) and how Afdhel built it without knowing it was an accommodation Why ADHD and anxiety create a loop that keeps you stuck, and what breaks it What happened when he told his team about his diagnosis and the instruction manual that changed how they work together How his marriage shifted when he stopped trying to be good at things he wasn't good at Afdhel's self-forgiveness practice: "I forgive myself for judging myself for doing X" Accommodations plus Community equals Self-Esteem and why that equation is simpler and more powerful than it sounds Why medication might not have to be the only path and what to do when it doesn't work for your brain ------- Wait, What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: Inattentive ADHD One of the three presentations of ADHD, characterized primarily by difficulty sustaining attention, frequent distraction, and challenges with organization and follow-through rather than the hyperactivity most people associate with ADHD. Often goes undiagnosed longer, particularly in adults who have built workarounds without realizing it. The Four P's Afdhel's personal framework and accomodation for operating with an ADHD brain. Purpose (who you are and where you're going), Priorities (deciding what actually matters right now), Process (building systems so your brain only does the parts it's built for), and People (surrounding yourself with those who complement what you can't do alone). Learn more at afdhelaziz.com. Dave Flink Founder of the Neurodiversity Alliance, a nonprofit supporting neurodiverse students in high schools and colleges. His equation from this episode: Accommodations + Community = Self-Esteem Metacognition Thinking about your own thinking. In this episode it shows up as Afdhel's growing ability to observe his own thought patterns as they're happening and redirect before going down a rabbit hole. Saint Royale Afdhel's music project. He wrote, produced, and performed an entire album in his home studio in LA, available on Spotify. Good is the New Cool Afdhel's creative studio and book series built around purpose-driven storytelling. His most recent book, Good is the New Cool: Guide to Personal Purpose, explores how to find and build a life around your purpose. Find it here. Afdhel's Forbes Article Before this conversation happened, Afdhel wrote about Something Shiny: ADHD!. Read it here. ------- 💬 What's something that finally made sense about yourself after your diagnosis, or after hearing someone else's story? Tell us in the comments. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you, you were never too much.

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The Self-Esteem Reframe Every ADHD Brain Needs to Hear

If you have ADHD, chances are "just believe in yourself" has never quite landed. Not because you're broken, but because traditional self-esteem advice wasn't built for a brain like yours. In this episode, David offers a reframe that actually makes sense for neurodivergent minds: self-esteem isn't about confidence or positivity. It's about something more fundamental — the belief that you will survive what happens next. That one shift changes how you start things, why waiting to feel ready keeps you stuck, and why you can feel completely competent in one area of your life and utterly lost in another. Isabelle works through it live — and it gets uncomfortably specific. The kind of specific that might stop you mid-listen and make you go: oh. that's me. In this episode: Why "believe in yourself" feels abstract or impossible for ADHD and neurodivergent brains — and why that's not on you The difference between self-esteem and self-efficacy, and which one actually gets you moving Why your confidence can feel solid one day and completely gone by 4pm How ADHD variability makes traditional self-esteem advice quietly set you up to fail Why doing something imperfectly still builds more trust in yourself than waiting until you're ready Why outsourcing might actually be a self-esteem strategy — and when it isn't ------- Wait, What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: Albert Bandura — The psychologist behind self-efficacy theory. Shifted the conversation from "feeling good about yourself" to something more specific: your belief that you can handle a particular situation. David respectfully disagrees with part of his model. In the best way. Self-efficacy — Your belief that you can act and influence an outcome. The key thing: it's built through experience, not feelings. You don't have to feel ready to start building it. Self-esteem (reframed) — Traditionally, how you feel about yourself. David's version: the belief that you'll survive the outcome — even when things go sideways. That shift makes it possible to act without needing confidence first. VAST (Variable Attentional Stimulation Seeking Trait) — From ADHD 2.0 by Hallowell & Ratey. A reframe of ADHD as variability of attention rather than a deficit. Your ability to focus, engage, and follow through shifts depending on context, stimulation, and internal state. Sound familiar? Norepinephrine — A neurotransmitter tied to attention and alertness. More involved in your moment-to-moment sense of I can do this than most people realize. Metacognition — Thinking about your own thinking. Useful for understanding your patterns. Also a reliable path to an overthinking spiral at 11pm. Both things are true. Self-perpetuating feedback loop — When thoughts, feelings, and behaviors keep reinforcing each other. Not acting builds doubt. Acting — even imperfectly — starts building something else instead. Neophobic — The very human tendency to resist new things. Especially loud when there's no precedent and the stakes feel like they have no bottom. ------- 💬 What's something you know you're good at — but still can't quite say out loud without adding a disclaimer? Tell us in the comments. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you—you were never too much.

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What Happens When You Don’t Have to Mask So Hard?

This week, David and Isabelle continue their conversation with Avari Brocker — Neurodiversity Alliance student advocate and founder of LearningCurb.org. Avari talks about what it felt like to go from being on her own little island to being surrounded by other neurodivergent people, and realizing (maybe for the first time) that it was actually safe to be fully herself. The group also gets into the difference between being around people who tolerate you vs. being around people who just get it. If you’ve ever felt exhausted from constantly managing yourself around other people or if you’ve ever needed a reminder that belonging is not extra, it’s foundational… this one’s for you! Here's what's coming your way: Why being around like-minded neurodivergent people can feel like coming home A clear breakdown of what high masking feels like from the inside Why shared experience can make it easier to stop overexplaining and start relaxing How community can help you stand up for yourself in ways you might not otherwise The story behind Learning Curb and why its whole mission is rooted in access A reminder that the things you needed most can become the very things you build for someone else ------- Wait, What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: Neurodiversity Alliance: An organization that supports neurodivergent young people through leadership, mentorship, and advocacy. In this conversation, it’s also the community space where David and Isabelle first connected with Avari. Learn more at TheNDAlliance.org. Dyslexia: A learning disability that affects reading, spelling, and language processing. In this conversation, Avari talks about how meaningful it was when other dyslexic people heard her speak not just about the hard parts, but the good parts too. Dysgraphia: A learning disability that affects writing. Here, it’s part of the group of neurodivergent experiences Avari has already been advocating around and building resources for. The “curb cut” effect: The idea behind Learning Curb’s name. Curb cuts were added to sidewalks after the Americans with Disabilities Act to support wheelchair users, but they ended up helping lots of other people too — parents with strollers, skateboarders, cyclists, and delivery workers. Avari uses that as a model for education: when you lower the barrier to access for the most vulnerable people, everybody benefits. High masking: Constantly adjusting your behavior, communication, or presentation so you seem more acceptable, understandable, or “normal” to other people. Avari describes doing this in neurotypical spaces and contrasts it with the relief of not needing to do it so much in neurodivergent community. Neurospicy: A playful community term some neurodivergent people use for themselves. Isabelle uses it here while talking about the way neurospicy conversations can go from breadcrumb-level sharing to a full French dip hoagie in about two seconds. Narrative Reasoning: Avari’s phrase for the way her brain explains things through story, analogy, and comparison that other people can understand. Neurotypical: People whose brains work in ways that are more socially expected or normalized. In this conversation, Avari contrasts neurotypical spaces with neurodivergent ones, especially in terms of masking, safety, and how much self-management is required. Love bombing: A phrase Avari uses jokingly while talking about how quickly people bonded at the Neurodiversity Alliance. In context, she’s naming the relief of being able to connect intensely without immediately worrying that it’s “too much.” “English is just three languages in a trench coat”: Avari’s explanation for why English spelling is chaos, and Isabelle immediately clocks it as the best saying ever! Night Witches: The nickname given by German soldiers during World War II to the Soviet Union’s all-female 588th Night Bomber Regiment, known for flying dangerous nighttime bombing missions against Nazi forces. Isabelle brings them up as an example of the kind of fully formed special-interest tangent that can come pouring out once someone takes the bait in a neurodivergent conversation. ------- 💬 Have you ever found a space where you realized you didn’t have to mask so hard? Drop your story in the comments on Spotify. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you—you were never too much.

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When “You’re Fine” Feels Like the Worst Thing to Hear

This week, David and Isabelle sit down with Avari Brocker — Neurodiversity Alliance student advocate and founder of Learning Curb — for a conversation about something so many neurodivergent people carry quietly for years: knowing you’re different, only seeing your deficits, and not having language for why life feels so much harder than it seems to for everyone else. Avari shares what it was like to be diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia at 16 after struggling for most of her life, and why the worst thing she thought she might hear was that something wasn't actually wrong. David and Isabelle unpack why that fear lands so deeply, especially for high-achieving, high-masking kids who get told they’re just too anxious or “you'll be fine” while they’re privately drowning. Avari also shares how that late diagnosis lit a fire under LearningCurb.org, the resource hub she built so other neurodivergent kids and families don’t have to spend a year desperately searching for answers while they’re still in the middle of struggling. If you’ve ever thought, “I know something’s different, but I don’t know what”… if you’ve ever worried that a label would make things worse… or if you’ve ever needed someone to say there’s a reason this has felt this hard, this one’s for you. Here's what's coming your way: Why the label you fear can sometimes be the thing that finally brings relief A powerful breakdown of what it means to grow up seeing only your deficits and not your strengths Why high-masking, high-achieving kids can get missed for years How research, self-understanding, and advocacy can change the trajectory of someone’s life What Avari built after diagnosis — and why it matters for neurodivergent kids and families now ------- Wait, What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: Neurodiversity Alliance: An organization that supports neurodivergent young people through leadership, mentorship, and advocacy. In this conversation, it’s also the community space where David and Isabelle first connected with Avari. Learn more at TheNDAlliance.org. Dyslexia: A learning disability that affects reading, spelling, and language processing. In this episode, Avari talks about finally having language for why reading and spelling had felt so hard for so long. Dysgraphia: A learning disability that affects writing. It can show up in handwriting, spelling, and getting thoughts onto the page. Avari references how physically hard writing tasks could be for her. LearningCurb.org: Avari’s resource hub for neurodivergent kids and families. She created it to give people one place to find tools, support, and information for different neurodiverse needs. Interconnected Thinking: Avari’s phrase for the way her brain naturally links ideas, experiences, and patterns together. She talks about this as one of her neurodivergent strengths. Hyperfocus: A common ADHD experience where attention gets locked onto something intensely. Avari mentions that she used to assume everyone experienced hyperfocus the way she did. Eye Diagnosis for Slow Tracking: A diagnosis related to how the eyes track across a page or visual field. In Avari’s case, that diagnosis helped her access extra time on tests before she later received her ADHD and dyslexia diagnoses. Trauma Mastery: A phrase Isabelle uses to describe the way people sometimes make meaning out of painful experiences by using what they learned to protect or help others. ------- 💬 Have you ever gotten an answer or label that finally made your life make more sense? Drop your story in the comments on Spotify. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you—you were never too much.

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Why “Good Change” Still Feels Overwhelming When You Have ADHD

This week, David and Isabelle unpack why moving can hit neurodivergent brains so much harder than people realize. Yes, there’s the obvious stress of boxes, clutter, visual chaos, and trying to remember where literally anything is. But underneath that, they get into the deeper part too: what happens when your routines disappear, your environment stops making sense, and even the tiniest automatic actions suddenly don’t exist anymore. Because this episode is really about more than moving. It’s about that awful, disorienting in-between where something is objectively good… and your nervous system is still like, “Absolutely not.” David breaks down why change itself can land as painful, why losing patterns can feel like losing your footing, and why so many neurospicy folks get slammed by overwhelm before the new environment has had a chance to make sense yet. And instead of just naming the problem, they get to what actually can help. The conversation gets into why your brain may need to physically build new patterns before anything feels manageable again, why body doubling can interrupt the buffering, why visual overwhelm matters more than people think, and how different neurospicy brains need totally different systems in order to function. If you’ve ever been excited about a change and still felt totally wrecked by it. Or, if you’ve ever looked around and thought, “Why does this feel so hard when this is supposed to be good?” this one will probably hit home. Here's what's coming your way: Why “good change” can still feel painful, disorienting, and weirdly grief-y for ADHD and AuDHD brains A really helpful breakdown of how routines, environment, and repeated actions quietly hold daily life together Language for the specific kind of overwhelm that happens when nothing feels automatic anymoreWhy unpacking can create instant buffering, shutdown, and decision fatigue How body doubling, music, and visual clarity can help interrupt overwhelm and make starting easier Why different brains need wildly different organization systems--and why that doesn’t mean anyone is doing it wrong ------- Wait, What’s That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: Bobby: Isabelle’s husband. Sarah: A partner in David’s practice. David brings up a conversation with Sarah while wondering out loud whether change can actually register as pain in the brain. Robin: David’s partner, who comes up while he’s describing the home setup that helps his own brain keep track of where things are. Clutterbug YouTube: The decluttering channel Isabelle shouts out because those videos have basically become her fake body-doubling companions while unpacking. https://www.youtube.com/@Clutterbug Body Doubling: A support strategy where doing a task gets easier because someone else is there with you — even virtually. Isabelle talks about using decluttering videos that way during the move. Object Permanence: The very real neurospicy experience of something effectively disappearing once it’s boxed up, put away, or moved out of its usual place. Externalized Memory: David’s phrase for needing to physically put something somewhere yourself in order to actually remember where it is later. Procedural Memory: Isabelle’s way of describing how much she relies on repeated physical action — reach here, plug this in there, turn this direction — instead of remembering things abstractly. ------- 💬 Has a “good change” ever completely overwhelmed your brain at first? Drop your story in the comments on Spotify. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you — you were never too much.

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Why Getting Help With ADHD Can Feel So Complicated

Ever needed extra time, extra support, or a different way of doing something and immediately thought, “Wait… is this cheating?” Yeah. That feeling is way more common than you think. This week, David and Isabelle are back on stage at the Neurodiversity Alliance Leadership Summit in Denver for the second part of their live conversation with Jesse Sanchez, President of the Neurodiversity Alliance. Jesse has been part of this community for years as a mentor, leader, and now the person helping guide the organization forward. The Leadership Summit is where Neurodiversity Alliance mentors and student leaders from across the country gather for training, storytelling, and connection. It’s a room full of neurodivergent students learning how to talk about their brains with confidence—and how to help younger kids do the same. In this part of the live conversation, Safia Mohammed, a Brooklyn-based nursing student and Neurodiversity Alliance Student Ambassador who’s been part of the community for several years, joins the conversation. She shares her story about something a lot of neurodivergent people wrestle with: the uncomfortable feeling that needing support somehow means you're doing something wrong. Safia talks about her experience first received an IEP (Individualized Education Program) in elementary school. At the time, it felt confusing. She was being pulled out of class for extra help and didn’t really understand why. And like a lot of neurodivergent kids, she started wondering something was wrong with her. David and Isabelle unpack why moments like that are so common in the neurodivergent experience, from the stigma around accommodations to the deeply ingrained belief that success only counts if it’s hard. If you’ve ever hesitated to ask for help because you didn’t want to feel like you were getting an advantage, this conversation might shift how you think about support and what it’s actually there to do. Here's what's coming your way: Safia’s story of receiving an IEP and why it felt confusing when she was younger The moment that changed how she understood accommodations Why so many neurodivergent people feel shame around getting support How stigma around accommodations keeps people from advocating for what they need ------- Wait, What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: IEP (Individualized Education Program): A formal education plan used in U.S. schools to provide accommodations and support for students with learning differences or disabilities. These supports can include extra time on tests, alternative learning environments, or additional instructional support designed to help students demonstrate what they actually know. Accommodations: Adjustments made in school or work environments that allow people with learning differences or disabilities to access the same opportunities as others. Examples include extended time on exams, quieter testing environments, or different ways of presenting information. Neurodiversity Alliance (formerly Eye to Eye): An organization where neurodivergent young adults and teens mentor younger neurodivergent kids through art projects and advocacy work. The rebrand reflects what they actually do: build an alliance of humans across the neurodivergent spectrum who know how to tell their full stories, vulnerabilities and superpowers included. OI: A term used by members of the Neurodiversity Alliance community to refer to the organization’s annual leadership summit where mentors and student leaders gather for training and connection. ------- 💬 Have you ever had a moment where getting support changed how you saw your abilities? Tell us your story in the comments on Spotify. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you—you were never too much.

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What "Finding Your People" Actually Means When You Have ADHD

Ever walked into a room full of neurodivergent people and thought, "Oh no, what if I'm NOT actually ADHD? What if I don't belong here either?" Yeah. That's a thing. And it's weirdly universal. This week, David and Isabelle are taking you inside the Neurodiversity Alliance Leadership Summit in Denver for a special live recording with Jesse Sanchez, President of the Neurodiversity Alliance (formerly Eye to Eye). If Jesse's name sounds familiar, that's because he joined us recently to talk about mentorship and the intersectionality of neurodivergence with race, class, and systemic barriers. This time, we're bringing you the live conversation that started it all! The Neurodiversity Alliance brings together neurodivergent young adults and teens who mentor younger neurodivergent kids through art projects, advocacy, and identity work. The ND Alliance Leadership Summit is where their mentors and leaders gather for training, and David and Isabelle got to do a live podcast on stage in front of the whole group. What "finding your people" actually means when you have ADHD is more than just support. It's about finally stopping the cycle of feeling like a broken, defective version of a person and starting to feel like you belong. Jesse talks about showing up to his first summit 15 years ago "ADHD curious," terrified he wouldn't get the diagnosis and therefore wouldn't get to be part of this incredible community. Isabelle tears up remembering the moment David brought her to her first ND Alliance event and she realized, "Oh. OH. This is me." And David reflects on two decades of watching this organization do something he's never seen anywhere else: teach neurodivergent kids that being different doesn't mean being deficient. This isn't a "yay, you found support!" episode. This is about finding your SHAPE (your superpowers, your heart, your abilities, your personality, your experiences) and realizing your worth has absolutely nothing to do with how much money you make or how well you perform. It's about walking into a room where you don't have to mask, where everyone's fidgeting, and where "wait, you do that too?" is the most healing sentence in the English language. If you've ever felt inadequate, like you're failing at being a person, or like you don't quite fit anywhere, grab tissues. This one's for you. Here's what's coming your way: Jesse's journey from "ADHD curious" to diagnosed adult to president of the organization that changed his life Why the fear of NOT being neurodivergent enough to belong is just as real as the fear of having ADHD The moment Isabelle realized she had ADHD and David said "welcome to the community" (she's still not over it) What "finding your SHAPE" actually means and why it's the key to career alignment and calling Why neurodiversity creates connection across race, class, and identity in ways other affinity spaces sometimes struggle with What Jesse would tell his 10-year-old self (spoiler: "You are worthy and loved beyond measure, and no one can take that from you") How the Neurodiversity Alliance is literally changing education by teaching kids to talk about their brains with mastery instead of shame ------- Wait, What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: Neurodiversity Alliance (formerly Eye to Eye): An organization where neurodivergent young adults and teens mentor younger neurodivergent kids through art projects and advocacy work. The rebrand reflects what they actually do: build an alliance of humans across the neurodivergent spectrum who know how to tell their full stories, vulnerabilities and superpowers included. "ADHD Curious": Jesse's term for showing up to his first summit without a formal diagnosis but knowing something was going on. He was literally exploring his own brain to figure out if neurodivergence explained his life. Masking: Hiding or suppressing your natural neurodivergent behaviors to fit neurotypical expectations. Isabelle talks about being hyper-aware she's masking on stage but also being able to fidget and move in ways that feel freeing instead of shameful. The "SHAPE" Framework: An acrostic Jesse uses for career alignment S = Superpowers (what you're naturally great at) H = Heart (what motivates you) A = Abilities (what you can actually do) P = Personality (how you show up in the world) E = Experiences (what you bring from your journey) Job vs. Career vs. Calling: Jesse breaks it down: a job pays the bills, a career is something you're invested in growing long-term, and a calling is something bigger than you (something you feel pulled toward whether you like it or not). Metacognitive Skills: The ability to think about your own thinking (understanding how your brain works, what you need, and how you learn best). The ND Alliance teaches kids to get really good at talking about their learning styles instead of hiding them. ------- 💬 Have you had a "finding your people" moment? Drop your story in the comments on Spotify. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you—you were never too much.

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Why Mentorship Might Be Your ADHD Survival Strategy

Ever wonder why seeing another neurodivergent person succeed can literally change your life? This week, David and Isabelle bring you the second half of their conversation with Jesse Sanchez, Executive Director of the Neurodiversity Alliance, and it goes deep. They're talking about the kind of mentorship that doesn't happen in an office—it happens in moments of "wait, you do that too?" They also get brutally honest about why neurodivergence isn't just a rich kid's diagnosis, it's an intergenerational survival story that intersects with race, class, incarceration, and educational access in ways we desperately need to talk about. Missed Part 1 of this conversation? Catch up here. Jesse shares his own story: growing up with a single mom who left home at nine, a father in federal prison, navigating the world as a first-gen, low-income, multiracial kid—and how none of the incredible educational access programs he benefited from ever addressed the neurodivergent piece. David drops the "glasses metaphor" that'll make you rethink everything. And Isabelle connects the dots between pulling all-nighters, calling it a moral failing, and why our school system was literally designed to create worker bees during the Industrial Revolution (spoiler: neurodivergent brains were never meant to fit that mold). If you've ever felt like an imposter for doing things differently, this episode is your permission slip to stop hiding! Here's what's coming your way: Why real mentorship is exposure to a reality you didn't know existed—not instructions on how to succeed How seeing a successful neurodivergent person changes the way you view yourself (and why that matters more than any advice) The intersectionality we're not talking about: neurodivergence, unemployment, incarceration, economic insecurity, and social justice Jesse's powerful story of intergenerational neurodivergence and why he's bringing neuro-inclusive practices to NYC public schools Why your all-nighters aren't a character flaw—they're an accommodation (and how that reframe changes everything) The glasses metaphor: imagine never getting glasses until your 30s. That's undiagnosed ADHD. What Jesse would tell his 5-year-old self entering the school system (grab tissues for this one) ------- Wait—What's That? Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: Mentorship (the real kind): Not lectures about success—it's living life together and taking the behaviors you like while leaving the rest. It's "try my biscuits and gravy" energy. Exposing someone to a reality they didn't have before. Normalization: Making something feel normal by seeing it modeled by others. When you see another neurodivergent person succeed while doing things differently, it normalizes your own approach and reduces shame. Moral Failing: The story undiagnosed neurodivergent people tell themselves: "I pull all-nighters because I'm lazy/broken/bad"—instead of recognizing it as an accommodation for how your brain works. Accommodation: A strategy that helps you work with your brain instead of against it. Pulling an all-nighter isn't cheating—it's an accommodation. Just like glasses. Intergenerational Neurodivergence: ADHD and other neurodivergent traits often run in families. Jesse talks about his mom's undiagnosed ADHD and how neurodivergence intersects with intergenerational trauma and survival. Intersectionality: How different identities (race, class, neurodivergence) overlap and create unique experiences. Jesse emphasizes how neurodivergence intersects with being low-income, first-gen, Latino—and how that's overlooked in social justice work. Social Capital: The networks and resources you access through community. The neurodivergent community shares social capital—connecting first-gen students with Ivy League students, leveling the playing field. The School System's Origins: Our current education system was designed during the Industrial Revolution to create efficient worker bees for factories. Everything from the bells to the desks to the subjects was built for output and performance—not for neurodivergent brains. Learn more about the factory model of education: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Factory_model_school ------- 💬 What would you say to your younger self entering the school system? Jesse's answer brought Isabelle and David to tears. Drop yours in the comments on Spotify. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you—you were never too much.

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When Your ADHD Brain Crashes After Crisis (And the Reframe That Changes Everything)

Ever notice how ADHD makes you crave chaos...until the chaos actually arrives and your brain completely shorts out? This week, co-host Isabelle Richards is living that paradox in real time. We're dropping this episode on Friday instead of our usual every-other-Wednesday schedule because Nashville is currently frozen solid and Isabelle is flying solo, recording from her phone in her kids' bedroom during a 6-day power outage and ice storm. She gets brutally honest about the ADHD crisis cycle: the superhuman first 48 hours, the inevitable crash that follows, and why—even after all the work, all the podcasting, all the self-compassion practice—her first instinct is still to absolutely destroy herself on the inside. If you've ever felt like a superhero one day and a deflated balloon the next, this one's for you. Isabelle shares the reframe that changed everything: what if your scattered brain isn't broken—it's actually trying to protect you? And here's the twist: the thing that pulled her out of the spiral was recording this very episode. Sometimes serving others is how we save ourselves. Here's what's coming your way: Why ADHD brains can be superhuman in the first 24-48 hours of chaos (and why the crash is inevitable) What happens to your inner critic when you lose your feedback loops—and why it gets so vicious How to recognize when your brain is begging you to stop asking it to do too much (before you completely crash) Why hating routine while desperately needing it is the most brutal ADHD paradox The one tiny shift that can pull you out of the spiral when everything feels impossible ------- Wait—What's That? Here are some of the terms mentioned in this episode explained: Here are some of the terms and people mentioned in this episode explained: Neurospicy: ADHD/neurodivergent community slang for having a brain that works differently. A playful, lighter way to say neurodivergent—because sometimes you need to be able to laugh at your beautiful, chaotic brain. Break in Routine: When your daily structure gets disrupted and suddenly you realize you were using that routine to survive all along. For ADHD brains, losing structure can be destabilizing even when you thought you hated having it in the first place. Paradox: The ADHD experience of hating routine while absolutely needing it to function. You resist structure until it's gone, and then everything falls apart—which is exactly what makes it so brutal. Feedback Loop: External validation or confirmation that helps you know you're on the right track. Without it, ADHD brains often default to the harshest possible self-judgment—like "you've made the worst decision" even when you probably made a fine decision. Deflated Balloon: The crash that comes after days of crisis mode. The superhuman energy is gone, you can't finish sentences, and everything feels impossible. It's the inevitable comedown after running on pure adrenaline. Mushy: When your brain feels foggy, slow, and unable to process normally. Not broken—just begging you to stop asking it to do too much. Sometimes mushy is your brain's way of protecting you. Bobby: Isabelle's husband and co-producer of the podcast. When she mentions he suggested recording this episode, it's part of why you're hearing this raw, real-time account of ADHD in crisis—the kind of messy, honest moment that might help you feel less alone in your own chaos. ------- 💬 How does YOUR ADHD show up when chaos hits? Superhuman for 48 hours then can't finish a sentence? Let us know by leaving a comment on Spotify! We want to hear your crisis stories. 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you—you were never too much.

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What Happens When You Stop Hiding Your ADHD

Ever felt like you were doing everything "wrong" compared to everyone around you...like, thinking back to college, why did studying take you five environment changes and an all-nighter when your roommate just sat there and did it? If so, then this one's for you! Jesse Sanchez, President of the Neurodiversity Alliance, joins hosts Isabelle Richards and David Kessler to talk about his journey from "wait, am I broken?" confusion in college to leading a national movement that's literally changing (and saving) lives through peer mentorship and community. And yes, we have the data to back that up. Jesse gets incredibly real about what it was like to need accommodations for years without anyone explaining why, and how finding other neurodivergent people who just got it completely transformed the way he saw himself. They also get into what it actually looks like to unmask and take care of yourself in professional settings—like when Jesse collapsed on a couch between high-stakes donor meetings at the Neurodiversity Leadership Summit with Isabelle and David there. It was beautiful:) And why that kind of authentic nervous system regulation isn't weakness—it's literally the accommodation your body needs. Here's what's coming your way: Jesse's origin story with the Neurodiversity Alliance (formerly Eye to Eye) and why peer mentorship is so powerful The actual published research showing how mentorship protects neurodivergent middle schoolers from depression and boosts self-esteem (statistically significant, baby!) Why lying down with your feet up is one of the best nervous system hacks—and the full parasympathetic nerd-out on why it works How finding your people can fundamentally shift your identity from "I'm broken" to "I'm just wired different—and that's actually amazing" Go to TheNDAlliance.org to explore student chapters, scholarships, paid internships, and leadership opportunities for neurodivergent students across the U.S. ------- Wait—What's That? Here are some of the terms mentioned in this episode explained: Neurodiversity Alliance (formerly Eye to Eye): A national student-led organization creating clubs on middle school, high school, and college campuses where neurodivergent students mentor younger students, build community, and flex their leadership skills. Neurodiversity Leadership Summit: An annual gathering where neurodivergent students, leaders, and advocates come together to learn, connect, and celebrate neurodiversity. This is where Jesse melted on the couch and we all fell a little more in love with authentic self-care. Parasympathetic Nervous System (Rest and Digest): The part of your nervous system that helps you calm down and recover after being activated. Isabelle breaks down how lying with your feet up literally forces blood back to your internal organs and tells your body "hey, no tiger here!" Fight, Flight, or Freeze: Your body's automatic stress response that sends blood to your extremities so you can run or fight. When you're chronically activated (hello, masking all day), you need help switching back to rest mode. Vagus Nerve: A major nerve running from your brain to your gut that plays a huge role in calming your nervous system. Certain positions (like lying down) stimulate it and help you regulate. Science is cool. Disability Accommodations: Adjustments like extra time, quiet spaces, or flexible deadlines that level the playing field. Jesse talks about how reframing these from "crutch" to "right" was life-changing. Positive Identity Development: A core focus of the Neurodiversity Alliance's work—helping students integrate their neurodivergence into their identity in a way that feels empowering, not shameful. Statistical Significance: Research-speak for "this didn't happen by accident." Jesse shares data showing mentored students had significantly lower depression and higher self-esteem compared to non-mentored students. The protective effect against depression? Huge. ------- 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you—you were never too much.

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Why “Just Try Harder” Never Works—And What to Do Instead

If you’ve ever tried to start something simple—doing the dishes, sending the email, getting out the door—and still somehow couldn’t make it happen, this episode is for you. Russ Jones is back with Isabelle and David to go deeper into what actually works when ADHD makes even the smallest task feel impossible. You can go back and listen to part one of their conversation here. Russ, ADHD wellness coach and creator of ADHD Big Brother, gets candid about his own patterns and tools—and how even with all his knowledge and experience, he still gets stuck sometimes. But instead of spiraling into shame or "just try harder" mode, this episode is about finding your way back to momentum without beating yourself up. Here’s what's coming your way: How to use behavioral momentum to get moving again—by starting small and stacking tiny wins Why body doubling isn’t just helpful—it’s a core support strategy (especially on the hard days) The exact self-check-in Russ uses to stay consistent without self-blame—and how you can try it too David also unpacks why these tools work from a neuroscience perspective, Isabelle shares her own struggles with task initiation, and the group unpacks how perfectionism can sneak in and sabotage even our best intentions! Want to try Russ’s method? He shares a free downloadable guide called Ready, Set, Go! to help you start with the smallest possible step. You can get it by signing up for his newsletter at adhdbigbrother.com. You can also check out the ADHD Big Brother Podcast wherever you get your podcasts. -------- Wait—What’s That? Here are some of the terms mentioned in this episode you might want a quick refresher on: CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy): A structured approach that helps identify and reframe unhelpful thoughts and behaviors. Russ talks about using CBT to take shame out of the equation and break tasks down into achievable steps. ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy): A therapy modality that encourages accepting uncomfortable thoughts without judgment and taking action based on values. David and Isabelle briefly reference it while discussing internal self-talk. Behavioral Momentum: A strategy where doing one small task can help you build enough mental energy to do the next one. Key concept discussed by Russ when he shares how to stack tiny wins. Body Doubling: A method where simply doing a task alongside someone else (virtually or in person) helps increase focus and follow-through. Russ talks about this as a game-changing tool for him and his community. Compassionate Check-Ins: A self-inquiry tool Russ uses regularly—quick moments to assess what’s working and what’s not, without self-judgment. Russell Barkley: A prominent clinical psychologist known for his research on ADHD, mentioned by Isabelle while discussing the neurological underpinnings of executive dysfunction. Coaching vs. Therapy: Russ clarifies that he’s a coach, not a therapist—he works from lived experience and ADHD-specific tools to help people build structure and momentum. -------- 🎧 Follow Something Shiny: ADHD for more conversations that help you understand your ADHD and remind you—you were never too much.