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Parenting Without Power Struggles

Susan Stiffelman

Susan Stiffelman is a family therapist, parent coach, and one of the country's premiere parenting experts, and the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles and Parenting With Presence (an Eckhart Tolle edition.)

Susan's podcasts feature conversations with guests including Dr. Dan Siegel, Janet Lansbury, Dr. Kristen Neff, Dr. Mona Delahooke, Glennon Doyle, Dr. Jane Goodall, Jack Kornfield, Martha Beck, and many others.

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  • 24 episodes
  • weekly
  • Avg 18 min
  • English

Episodes 24

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  • S4 · E6
    Friday · 18 min

    4:6 An IFS Look at Power Struggles: Captain, Lawyer, or Dictator?

    In this episode, Susan connects Internal Family Systems to three modes she's taught for years: Captain, Lawyer, and Dictator. Using a real dinnertime example, she shows how a child's simple request can pull a parent from calm boundary-setting into defending themselves, and eventually into threats, once an old protective part takes over. What Captain-mode language sounds like across homework, screens, bedtime, and chores. How arguing (Lawyer mode) and threatening (Dictator mode) both come from protective parts trying to shield you from old pain. How your child's simple "it's not fair" can be met without defending yourself or needing to win Full transcript here Eckhart Tolle's foreword to Parenting With Presence here.

  • S4 · E5
    September 10 · 17 min

    4:5 Tormentor or Mentor? An IFS Reframe on Parenting's Tough Moments

    In this episode, Susan unpacks Richard Schwartz's term "tor-mentor" — the idea that our children, in the moments they frustrate us most, are also mentoring us toward healing. Ordinary friction, like being ignored, can trigger reactions far bigger than the moment calls for, often knocking into old, buried wounds. Susan explains this isn't about blaming kids — it's about recognizing that the intensity of our reactions is information worth exploring with curiosity. Why a child ignoring a request can trigger rage disproportionate to the moment — and what that intensity is really telling you. The IFS concept of "unblending" — creating just enough distance from a reaction to meet it with curiosity instead of being swept away. What it means to see your child as both the catalyst of some of your hardest moments and your path to healing. Transcript here

  • S4 · E4
    August 26 · 18 min

    4:4 The Perfectionist, Controller & People Pleaser: Your Manager Parts Explained

    Susan continues her Parenting Without Power Struggles series on Internal Family Systems, introducing "manager" parts. A healthy manager keeps life running smoothly, but when driven by old fears or insecurities, it can tip into perfectionism, control, or people-pleasing, often at a cost to our peace and our relationships. Susan explains why these parts formed, and why the path forward is curiosity, not judgment. How managers that run on fear form in childhood, often in unpredictable or conditional-love environments. Examples of perfectionist, controller, over-planner, and people-pleaser managers in everyday parenting moments. Why an overworked manager can "run out of steam" — often exactly when a firefighter part steps in to take over. Transcript here

  • S4 · E3
    August 20 · 21 min

    4:3 Calming Rage With IFS: Helping Protective Parts Relax

    Susan continues her Parenting Without Power Struggles series on Internal Family Systems, exploring how "firefighter" parts trigger intense reactivity, rage, and regrettable parenting moments. She explains that parents often fixate on what went wrong and overlook what went well — a result of the brain's survival-based negativity bias, which fuels shame and discouragement rather than change. Susan describes why firefighter parts need consistent proof that a grounded, wise Self ("Captain of the ship") can handle hard moments without escalating, and how logging small successes helps those protective parts relax their grip over time. In this episode, you'll learn: Why your brain is wired to magnify threats and mistakes Why understanding a reactive pattern intellectually isn't enough to change it — protective parts need proof, not insight. How a moment as small as catching yourself and stepping out of the room counts as real evidence of change — not a near-failure. Transcript available here Chapters: 00:00 Welcome and Recap 02:12 Why Negatives Stick 03:55 Survival Brain Bias 05:36 Firefighters and Self 11:06 Build Proof With Wins 14:36 Daily Five Wins Homework 18:32 Small Steps and Growth 19:57 Coaching and Wrap Up

  • S4 · E2
    August 13 · 14 min

    4:2 Blindsided by Rage: An IFS Look at Firefighter Parts

    div]:bg-bg-000/50 [&_pre>div]:border-0.5 [&_pre>div]:border-border-400 [&_.ignore-pre-bg>div]:bg-transparent [&_.standard-markdown_:is(p,blockquote,h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6)]:pl-2 [&_.standard-markdown_:is(p,blockquote,ul,ol,h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6)]:pr-8 [&_.progressive-markdown_:is(p,blockquote,h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6)]:pl-2 [&_.progressive-markdown_:is(p,blockquote,ul,ol,h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6)]:pr-8"> _*]:min-w-0 gap-3 [&_>_*:last-child]:mb-0 print:block print:[&_>_:where(:not(:first-child))]:mt-3 standard-markdown"> In this episode, Susan explores what Internal Family Systems (IFS) calls "firefighter" parts — protective parts that flood in with fast, intense reactions like rage, trying to put out old emotional pain, often at a cost to the relationship. She explains why these reactions aren't really about your child's behavior, and why healing them doesn't require your child to change first — using a real coaching conversation as an illustration along the way. In this episode, you'll learn: What a firefighter part is in IFS, and why intense, "zero to sixty" reactions are often this part protecting an old, tender wound — not a reflection of your character as a parent. How to recognize the moment a firefighter part has "hijacked" you, and why simply noticing it is the first and most powerful step. Why healing this pattern doesn't just improve your relationship with your child — it breaks a cycle that would otherwise pass down to the next generation. Full episode transcript available here

  • S4 · E1
    August 8 · 13 min

    4:1 Calm, Confident, Clear: Anchoring to Your Wise Self

    In this episode, Susan introduces the core idea behind Internal Family Systems and what it means for parenting: beneath our anxiety, anger, and overwhelm is a calm, confident "Wise Self" — the steady part of us that functions as the Captain of the ship for our kids. When our children act out, it's a protective part of us that takes over, not our true Self. Why our reactive outbursts ("I didn't mean to say that!") come from protective parts, not our Wise Self. How old wounds get reactivated by our kids' behavior, fueling out-of-proportion reactions. Why the real work of parenting isn't finding the perfect script, but learning to stay anchored to our calm, "captain of the ship" Self. Transcript available at this page

  • S1 · E71
    April 9 · 31 min

    1: 71 Encore episode: A Conversation With Dr. Kristin Neff

    In this conversation, Susan and Dr. Kristin Neff talks about the importance of cultivating both fierce and tender self-compassion, offering specific practices that parents can easily use when they're feeling overwhelmed, angry, or simply being hard on themselves. https://susanstiffelman.com/podcast-episode-kristin-neff/

  • S1 · E79
    April 2 · 40 min

    1:79 Co-Parenting with a Narcissist, with Dr. Ramani Durvasula

    In this episode, Susan talks with Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of author of the new book, It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, as well as the books Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist, and Don't You Know Who I Am? How To Stay Sane In An Era Of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility. Susan and Dr. Durvasula discuss difficulties, grief and legal challenges associated with co-parenting with someone who has narcissistic tendencies. https://susanstiffelman.com/podcast-episodes-ramani-durvasula/

  • S2 · E10
    March 25 · 23 min

    2:10 Five Principles of Parenting with Aliza Pressman

    Susan talks with Dr. Pressman about the five guiding principles for raising a good human: relationships, reflection, regulation, rules, and repair. They stress the importance of being a "good enough" parent, rather than striving for perfection, and emphasize that imperfection is a natural part of being human. http://pages.susanstiffelman.com/aliza-pressman-podcast-episode

  • S4 · E47
    March 17 · 15 min

    3:48 The Uncomfortable Path to Resilience

    Resilience isn't a trait kids either have or don't — it's something they build through repeated experiences of feeling hard emotions and getting through them, with a present and steady parent by their side. In this episode, Susan Stiffelman, Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, and Dr. Laura Markham explore why our instinct to fix our children's disappointment can actually work against us — and what to do instead. What "brain reps" are and why your child's meltdowns are actually opportunities in disguise Why the urge to fix your child's distress can communicate the opposite of what you intend Why emotion coaching — not problem solving — is the essential first step toward resilience Show notes and transcript available here

  • February 20 · 14 min

    3:46 "I Didn't Mean to Say That!"

    *]:pointer-events-auto scroll-mt-[calc(var(--header-height)+min(200px,max(70px,20svh)))]" dir="auto" tabindex="-1" data-turn-id= "request-WEB:6fa87474-d341-4003-a0fb-1650b17d4c75-2" data-testid= "conversation-turn-6" data-scroll-anchor="true" data-turn= "assistant"> *]:pointer-events-auto scroll-mt-[calc(var(--header-height)+min(200px,max(70px,20svh)))]" dir="auto" tabindex="-1" data-turn-id= "request-WEB:6fa87474-d341-4003-a0fb-1650b17d4c75-3" data-testid= "conversation-turn-8" data-scroll-anchor="true" data-turn= "assistant"> In this episode, Susan explores why we sometimes react in ways that don't match our intentions. Through the lens of Internal Family Systems, she encourages parents to view those moments as protective parts taking over—and reminds us that our steady, wise Self is never far away. How understanding your own parts helps you respond more calmly to your child's activated parts. Why intellectual understanding (attachment, neuroscience, regulation) isn't always enough in charged moments. A simple in-the-moment reframe that creates space for your steadier "captain" self to return. Visit this page for transcript

  • S3 · E45
    February 13 · 14 min

    3:45 Captain of the Ship Meets IFS

    In this episode, Susan is joined by Lisa Spiegel, author of Internal Family Systems Therapy with Children, for a conversation about how understanding our "parts" can transform our parenting life. They explore what it means to be Self-led, why you're not your anger (and your child isn't either), and how helping kids understand their parts builds confidence, compassion, and emotional resilience.

  • S3 · E44
    January 28 · 15 min

    3:44 When Kids Turn to Chatbots for Emotional Support

    *]:pointer-events-auto scroll-mt-[calc(var(--header-height)+min(200px,max(70px,20svh)))]" dir="auto" tabindex="-1" data-turn-id= "request-WEB:cac8a71c-422a-41be-b8ba-c4f290f0abe6-2" data-testid= "conversation-turn-6" data-scroll-anchor="true" data-turn= "assistant"> In this episode, Susan explores how children are increasingly turning to AI chatbots not just for information, but for emotional reassurance — a shift that can quietly replace human connection. Drawing on insights from psychologist Dr. Zak Stein, she explains why real relationships, with their pauses, limits, and repair, are essential for healthy development, and how endlessly affirming bots can interfere with emotional growth. At its core, this conversation is about attachment — helping parents remain their child's safest place in a rapidly changing digital world.

  • S3 · E43
    January 16 · 13 min

    3:43 Sparks of Joy in Everyday Parenting

    In this podcast, Susan explores the quiet, everyday joy that often gets lost in the stress, demands, and constant pressures of parenting—and why these small moments of happiness are essential for both parents and children. Drawing on attachment theory, neuroscience, and Internal Family Systems, she explains how play, laughter, and lightness help regulate nervous systems, strengthen connection, and offers simple ways to bring more joy into daily life. https://pages.susanstiffelman.com/JoyPodcast

  • January 9 · 12 min

    3:42 ADHD, with Dr. Ned Hallowell

    In this episode, Susan and Dr. Hallowell share tips for talking with children about ADHD that emphasizes its benefits rather than using a "just try harder!" approach. ADHD is a trait both Susan and Dr. Hallowell share, and both see it as an asset that has made their lives better---with effective strategies and support. Why ADHD is better understood as a trait, not a deficit The real dangers to watch out for: shame and fear Why "try harder" backfires for kids with ADHD

  • S3 · E41
    Dec 10, 2025 · 19 min

    3:41 Parenting With Less Drama and More Connection

    In this episode, Susan explores what power struggles really are, why they arise so instinctively, and how parents can step out of them by embodying calm, confident leadership. Drawing from decades of work with families, she illustrates how pushing against a child's demands—whether about rides, rules, or routines—creates a cycle of resistance, while responding from the grounded "Captain of the Ship" state fosters cooperation, connection, and emotional growth. Susan explains that true change doesn't come from memorizing scripts, but from doing the inner work that allows parents to meet their children with authenticity, presence, and compassion. By reducing power struggles, families not only experience less conflict but also open the door to more closeness, teamwork, and the deep joy that comes from nurturing secure attachment. https://pages.susanstiffelman.com/less-drama-more-connection-podcast

  • S3 · E40
    Dec 3, 2025 · 22 min

    3:40 Raising Kids Who Can Handle Differences with Kelsey Blahnik

    Susan speaks with clinician and author Kelsey Blahnik about her new book The AND Way, a model that helps people navigate tension while staying connected across deep divides. Together, they explore how parents can raise children who are open-minded, compassionate, and capable of engaging respectfully with people who think differently. The episode encourages parents to cultivate respect, understanding, and emotional flexibility—skills essential for navigating today's increasingly polarized world. https://pages.susanstiffelman.com/kelsey-blahnik-podcast

  • S3 · E39
    Nov 17, 2025 · 13 min

    3:39 Raising Resilience: Parenting Without Rescue

    *]:pointer-events-auto [content-visibility:auto] supports-[content-visibility:auto]:[contain-intrinsic-size:auto_100lvh] scroll-mt-[calc(var(--header-height)+min(200px,max(70px,20svh)))]" dir="auto" tabindex="-1" data-turn-id= "request-WEB:336c262d-c1b6-47de-af59-2447e6cbb2e0-3" data-testid= "conversation-turn-8" data-scroll-anchor="true" data-turn= "assistant"> In this episode, Susan explores what resilience truly looks like in children and why it's essential for parents to allow kids to experience manageable frustration instead of rushing in to fix or smooth things over. She explains how a parent's instinct to rescue often comes from their own discomfort, and why doing our inner work is key to helping children develop the flexibility, confidence, and coping skills they'll need as adults. Susan highlights how staying present, loving, and supportive—without taking over—allows children to build the emotional "muscles" that prepare them for life's inevitable ups and downs. https://pages.susanstiffelman.com/parenting-without-rescue-podcast

  • S3 · E38
    Oct 29, 2025 · 30 min

    3:38 The Power of Storytelling with Rabbi Michael Zedek

    In this episode, Susan connects with her longtime friend, Rabbi Michael Zedek, exploring the power of storytelling as a way to transmit values, resilience, and compassion to children and adults alike. Rabbi Zedek shares wisdom from his five decades as a spiritual leader, reflecting on how stories help people internalize lessons more deeply than lectures or rules ever could. Their dialogue touches on the importance of interfaith understanding, curiosity, and empathy—reminding listeners that connection, kindness, and shared humanity are what sustain us. https://pages.susanstiffelman.com/podcast-michael-zedek

  • S3 · E39
    Oct 25, 2025 · 13 min

    3:39 The Parent Brain with Dr. Rita Eichenstein

    In this episode, Susan talks with neuropsychologist Dr. Rita Eichenstein about the parent brain—how becoming a parent literally reshapes the brain, rewiring it for empathy, resilience, multitasking, and emotional intelligence. Dr. Eichenstein and Susan explore how understanding these changes can help parents recognize parenthood as a distinct and profound stage of human development, and appreciate the brain's remarkable capacity to evolve through love and caregiving. https://go.susanstiffelman.com/parent-brain-podcast

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