Attach Together

Working with Disorganised Attachment in Therapy

🎓 Get your CPD certificate from our website. Understanding Disorganised Attachment in Relationships, Trauma & Attachment-Informed Therapy Disorganised attachment is one of the most complex and misunderstood attachment styles in attachment theory. In this episode of Attach Together, Darren is joined by counsellor and attachment-based psychotherapist Gav McKee to explore how disorganised attachment develops, how it shapes adult relationships, and how therapists can work safely and effectively with clients who carry unresolved attachment trauma. For therapists working with trauma, personality disorder presentations, complex PTSD, or dissociation, understanding this attachment style is essential. This conversation explores the clinical realities of working with unresolved attachment in therapy, including relational dynamics, emotional dysregulation, dissociation, and the importance of pacing and safety. 🔎What You'll Learn • What disorganised attachment is and how it develops • The research of Mary Ainsworth, Mary Main and Judith Solomon • The concept of fright without solution in attachment theory • How trauma can be transmitted across generations • Why disorganised attachment often appears alongside complex PTSD • The push-pull dynamic often seen in adult relationships • Emotional flooding, dissociation and shame in attachment trauma • Why safety and stabilisation must come before trauma processing • How therapists can become a consistent and regulating relational presence Clinical Takeaways for Therapists • Disorganised attachment often originates when the caregiver is both comfort and threat • Clients may experience intense approach-avoid patterns in relationships • Emotional dysregulation and dissociation are common presentations • Therapy must prioritise relational safety before trauma processing • The therapeutic relationship itself becomes a corrective attachment experience 🕝Chapters 00:00 Introduction to the Attachment Theory Podcast 01:40 What Is Disorganised Attachment? 03:25 Fright Without Solution Explained 06:52 Intergenerational Trauma and Attachment 08:34 How Disorganised Attachment Appears in Adults 11:29 Relationship Patterns and Emotional Dysregulation 13:17 Working Safely with Disorganised Attachment 15:19 The Therapist as a Secure Base 18:55 Can Disorganised Attachment Be Resolved? 23:34 Clinical Dilemma: Dissociation in Therapy 26:02 Grounding Clients in the Therapy Room 27:11 The Value of Attachment Training 27:11 The Value of Attachment Training 🎓Resources Mentioned • Mary Ainsworth – Strange Situation research • Mary Main & Judith Solomon – Disorganised attachment classification FREE CPD Certificate & Reflection Pack You can download the FREE CPD Certificate for this episode via our website www.optimahealthservices.co.uk and join our listener list to receive the Reflection Pack for future episodes.

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Anxious Ambivalent Attachment in Relationships

🎓 Get your CPD certificate from our website. Preoccupied Attachment, Attachment Theory, Therapy & Relationships In this episode of Attach Together - the attachment theory podcast for counsellors and psychotherapists, we explore anxious ambivalent attachment, often described as preoccupied attachment. We explore how anxious ambivalent attachment develops, how it appears in adult relationships, and how therapists can support clients experiencing intense relational anxiety, reassurance seeking and fear of abandonment. Host Darren, BACP-accredited counsellor and attachment-based psychotherapist, is joined by Uruj Anjum, BACP-accredited psychotherapist, supervisor and lecturer in attachment-based psychotherapy at Optima. Together, they unpack: • What preoccupied attachment means beyond the stereotype • How inconsistent caregiving shapes anxious ambivalent attachment • Why reassurance seeking and overthinking often appear in relationships • The nervous system dynamics beneath attachment anxiety • Why preoccupied clients are often drawn to therapy • The therapeutic task of slowing emotional overwhelm • Boundary management with reassurance-seeking clients • Understanding the “doorknob confession” through an attachment lens 🔎What You'll Learn Preoccupied attachment is protection, not pathology Clients with anxious attachment styles often developed sophisticated strategies in childhood to maintain closeness with unpredictable caregivers. Emotional intensity reflects attachment alarm. When connection feels uncertain, the attachment system activates strongly - creating hypervigilance to tone, messages and relational shifts. Therapy focuses on containment and mentalisation. Slowing down emotional overwhelm allows clients to move from pure emotional activation toward reflective thinking. Boundaries create safety Maintaining consistent boundaries is a crucial part of providing a secure therapeutic base. 🕝Chapters: 00:00 Introduction to the Attach Together Podcast 02:10 What Is Preoccupied Attachment? 04:50 Fear of Abandonment in Attachment Styles 07:00 How Anxious Ambivalent Attachment Develops 10:20 The “Full Fridge” Metaphor Explained 11:27 Working With Preoccupied Clients in Therapy 13:40 Slowing Down Emotional Overwhelm 16:00 Repetition and Circular Narratives in Therapy 18:20 Boundaries With Preoccupied Clients 20:05 Therapist Dilemma: The Doorknob Confession 22:20 Maintaining Boundaries in Session 24:50 Why Boundaries Matter for Clients 25:20 Closing Reflections FREE CPD Certificate & Reflection Pack You can download the FREE CPD Certificate for this episode via our website www.optimahealthservices.co.uk and join our listener list to receive the Reflection Pack for future episodes. 🎓 Resources Mentioned Optima Level 5 & Level 7 Diplomas in Attachment Theory & Attachment-Based Psychotherapy Bowlby - Attachment Theory If this episode supported your practice, follow the podcast and share it with a colleague interested in attachment theory and attachment styles in therapy.

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Avoidant Attachment in Therapy: Defences, Distance & Building Secure Connection

🎓 Get your CPD certificate from our website. In this episode of Attach Together, we explore one of the most misunderstood attachment styles: avoidant attachment. What does avoidant attachment really mean from an attachment theory perspective? How does it show up in the therapy room? And how can therapists build connection without overwhelming clients who experience closeness as unsafe? Darren and Georgina unpack: How avoidant attachment develops in early caregiving environments Why “independence” can actually be compulsive self-reliance The emotional cost of being praised for stoicism What therapists feel in the room (countertransference clues) Humour, intellectualising and distance as protective strategies How to work slowly and relationally to build safety When boundary-testing may signal growth, not resistance Drawing on attachment theory, relational practice and insights from John Bowlby and Stan Tatkin, this episode offers grounded, practical reflections for counsellors, psychotherapists, psychologists and trainees. If you’ve ever felt deskilled, distanced or unsure how to “reach” an avoidant client - this conversation will reassure and guide you. 🔎 What You’ll Learn What Avoidant Attachment Really Is Not procrastination. Not laziness. But a protective relational strategy shaped by early experiences where emotions felt unsafe or unwelcome. Clues in the Therapy Room Flat affect, humour, intellectualising, minimising, brief communication - and the therapist’s own felt sense of distance. Why We Must Go Slowly Building safety may mean resisting the urge to “go to feelings” too quickly. Compulsive Self-Reliance vs True Independence How attachment patterns are reinforced by societal praise - and the hidden emotional cost. Boundaries & Contact Between Sessions Why an avoidant client reaching out may represent relational growth - and how to respond in an attachment-informed way. ⏱ Chapters 00:00 – Introduction to the Attachment & Relationships Podcast 02:00 – What is Avoidant Attachment? 05:00 – Why Avoidant Clients Rarely Seek Therapy 08:00 – Building Safety Before Emotion 11:00 – Humour, Deflection & Therapist Spidey Senses 15:00 – Compulsive Self-Reliance Explained 18:00 – Moving Beyond Defences 21:00 – Dilemma: Clients Contacting You Between Sessions 25:00 – Attachment-Informed Boundaries 28:00 – Level 5 & Level 7 Diplomas in Attachment-Based Psychotherapy 🎓 Resources Mentioned Optima Level 5 & Level 7 Diplomas in Attachment Theory & Attachment-Based Psychotherapy Restoring Your Secure Base: Attachment-Informed Therapist Retreat If this episode supported your practice, follow the podcast and share it with a colleague interested in attachment theory and attachment styles in therapy.

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Internal Working Models

Internal Working Models in Attachment Theory: What They Are and How Therapy Updates Them Get your CPD Certificate Here In this episode of Attach Together, Darren is joined by Jo Oxley (founder of Optima) to unpack one of the most important concepts in attachment-informed practice: internal working models (also called inner working models). Jo explains models are formed and become an unconscious “blueprint” for how we experience ourselves, other people, and relationships. With a wonderfully accessible metaphor (yes, Inside Out makes an appearance), They explore how secure beginnings can build a sense of worth and safety, and how inconsistent or emotionally unavailable care can lead to avoidant or preoccupied strategies in later life. They discuss why shame and fear often sit underneath insecure attachment patterns, and how therapy supports change by building new relational experiences - creating “new pathways” that can gradually replace old default routes. This episode is a grounded, practical listen for counsellors, psychotherapists, trainees, and anyone wanting to understand how attachment patterns show up in real life -and how they can be updated. Takeaways What are Internal Working Models? Understand models as unconscious templates formed through attachment experiences -shaping expectations of self, other, and relationship. Secure vs Insecure: How Early Experiences Become a Blueprint Explore how attuned caregiving tends to support confidence and exploration, and how emotional unavailability or inconsistency can shape threat-based expectations. Avoidant Strategies: “I’ll Cope on My Own” How avoidant patterns develop as a protective strategy when care is unreliable, and why shame can sit underneath self-reliance. Preoccupied Strategies: Fear, Hypervigilance, and Reassurance-Seeking Understand inconsistency fuels uncertainty and alarm, often leading to clinging, protest, and push–pull relational dynamics. How Therapy Helps Update IWM Why change happens in relationship — and how repeated new experiences can build new neural pathways (the “new path through the woods” idea). Therapist Dilemma: When a Client is Distressed by Friendship Breakdown A short reflection on working with relational rupture, meaning-making, and bringing patterns into awareness through the body and the therapeutic relationship. If You Found This Episode Helpful… If this episode supported your practice or your learning, please follow the podcast and share it with a colleague or fellow trainee who enjoys attachment-informed conversations. Resources Mentioned in This Episode Optima Training Programmes – Level 5 and Level 7 Diplomas in Attachment Theory and Attachment-Based Psychotherapy (https://optimahealthservices.co.uk/attachment-psychotherapeutic-counselling-level-5-diploma-cpcab/) Restoring Your Secure Base: Attachment-Informed Therapist Retreat – A two-day retreat with teaching, reflection, rest, and CPD https://optimahealthservices.co.uk/therapist-retreat/ There is a CPD reflection pack available if you would like this please click this link and we will send you all the resources including, reflective questions, 3 things to try in your practice and insights.

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