ADHD Mums

20. Mental Load: He Mowed the Lawn Once and Wanted to Know If You Saw It.

The mental load is not the doing. Everyone thinks it's the doing. It's the buy now, pay later maths you run when your partner tells you to rest — the hour you lie down and spend the whole hour calculating what this hour is costing you tomorrow. It's being the default parent, the one whose invisible labour only gets noticed the second it stops. And then, into that, walks the one who did the single most visible job in the house and needs you to see it. He mowed the lawn. He unpacked the dishwasher. Once. And he's standing in the middle of the kitchen, glowing, waiting for the medal. CHAPTERS 00:00 — 'You rest, take a load off' — and why every woman's shoulders just went up 01:35 — Buy now, pay later: what an hour of rest actually costs you 02:39 — Dani, patron saint of this episode, and her four voice memos 03:19 — Kat's dishwasher, the border collie, and the dead bird at your feet 04:06 — 'Did you see the lawn?' The line that named the whole episode 06:37 — The barbecue vasectomy story (you'll want to sit down) 08:31 — The 3am texts, where it stops being funny — the wet bed, his one turn 09:42 — 'I'm stressed about the mess. What are you going to do about it?' 11:04 — The head lice question that broke everyone: 'or did you just decide that?' 12:15 — Why is it always her? Susan Walzer, 1996, and thinking vs doing 12:38 — He doesn't just do less. He's reading a different ledger. 13:33 — Why this isn't gaslighting — and why that makes it harder to fix 15:31 — What doesn't work: the chart, the PowerPoint, the tagging him in articles 15:50 — What actually works: handing over whole domains, not tasks 17:20 — How same-sex couples split it, and why they had to do it out loud 19:55 — 'You're a bit of a perfectionist' — what he actually means when he says it What We Cover Why 'you rest, I've got it' makes every woman's shoulders climb up around her ears — and the brutal maths hiding inside that hour of 'rest' The border collie, the dead bird, and the exact face a partner makes when he's unpacked the dishwasher once and needs you to notice The listener line that named this whole episode — and what she really wanted to say back The barbecue vasectomy story, which has to be heard to be believed, and what six women two metres away were actually doing while he told it The 3am texts, where the funny runs out — the wet bed and the one night it was his turn, and what he suggested instead of changing the sheets The head lice question that undid everyone — three little words that turned a job she'd been doing for three months into something she'd apparently invented Why it's her doing the tracking, the meds, the mattress — a piece of 1996 research, and a newer one that's sharper and more unsettling Why he isn't lying and isn't gaslighting when he says the house is fine — he's genuinely reading a different ledger, and that's the bit that's hard to fix The three things that don't work (you've tried all three), and the one thing that does — and it isn't a better chore chart What a man actually means when he calls you a perfectionist — this one's going on a tea towel Free Resources Household Family Meeting Template — the closest thing to the 'hand over whole domains' conversation this episode is really about — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Paid Resources Pre-Diagnosis Workbook — for the mum who's listening to this and starting to wonder about herself — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/prediagnosisworkbook/ ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/ Related Episodes The Admin Husband: 'Do We Have Parmesan?' — Part 1 of this series — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/adhd-invisible-load/ What We Wish Our Partners Knew About the Mental Load — And How to Truly Support Us — S2 EP75 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-75-what-we-wish-our-partners-knew-about-the-mental-load-and-how-to-truly-support-us/ Making the Invisible Mental Load Visible: How to Share the Load Without the Stress (Part 3) — S2 EP73 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-73-making-the-invisible-mental-load-visible-how-to-share-the-load-without-the-stress-part-3/ The Invisible Job: Being the One Who Holds Everything Together — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-invisible-job-being-the-one-who-holds-everything-together/ References & Further Reading Walzer, S. (1996). Thinking About the Baby: Gender and Divisions of Infant Care. Social Problems, 43(2), 219–234. https://doi.org/10.2307/3096999 (The 1996 study Jane cites — women do the thinking, men do the doing.) Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007 (The four stages: anticipate, identify, decide, monitor — decision-making is shared, everything else falls on women.) On same-sex couples splitting cognitive labour more evenly: Pinho, M. & Gaunt, R. (2023). The management of cognitive labour in same-gender couples. PLoS ONE. (Same-gender couples negotiate the division explicitly rather than defaulting.) On the newer 'different perceptions of the same household' research: Weeks, A. C. & Ruppanner, L. (2024). A typology of US parents' mental loads: Core and episodic cognitive labor. Journal of Marriage and Family. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.13057 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group 👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox Mentioned in this episode: Give away bad for biz - free resources Free Resouces

• Transcript

19. Is Daycare Causing ADHD? Debunking the Diary of a CEO Episode. (with Amanda Moses)

Someone sent you the clip. Or your friend messaged about it. Or your mother-in-law forwarded it without comment and you sat there for a minute knowing exactly what she meant by that. The Diary of a CEO episode with Erica Komisar — the one saying ADHD isn't real, it's a stress response, and if your child has it the inconvenient truth is that you caused it. Two and a half hours long. Fifteen million subscribers. Ranked second on Spotify globally. So it doesn't stay in the episode — it gets clipped and reposted and lands in your DMs. This is the debunk. Senior psychologist and ADHD assessor Amanda Moses is back — the actual person who spends her days doing the assessments. Fourteen years in the field, Australia and the UK. Amanda pulls the clips apart word by word. The genetics. The 'malpractice' claim about medication. The 1950s theory this whole episode is quietly rebuilding under a new name. CHAPTERS 00:00 — The email from a listener that made me pick up the phone to Amanda 01:00 — What Erica Komisar is, and what she isn't 02:30 — Clip 1: 'ADHD isn't a disorder. It's a stress response.' 03:20 — Why the drop-the-D movement isn't about stress — and the heritability she's leaving out 06:03 — Clip 2: 'There is no genetic precursor to ADHD.' 07:30 — One minute there's no gene. The next minute there is. Which is it? 13:37 — Clip 3: 'The way we treat ADHD is malpractice.' 14:35 — Amanda on her own medication, and 'what do you mean people walk around like this for free?' 23:37 — Clip 4: 'When your child gets an ADHD diagnosis, the first thing you should do is see a therapist.' 25:17 — Refrigerator mother. 1950s. Same architecture. New diagnosis. 29:07 — Where Erica raised her children. And what she could afford to sacrifice. 33:17 — The economics that make her advice a fantasy for anyone under fifty 36:31 — Amanda's take-home: you did not cause this What We Cover The email from a listener that made Jane stop what she was doing and pick up the phone to Amanda What Erica Komisar is not — three qualifications she doesn't hold, one of which will surprise you The exact quote from clip one that Amanda says has nothing to do with the actual conversation the field is having The number Steven Bartlett read out to Erica that she then argued didn't exist The 1950s theory about mothers that was dismantled decades ago — and the sentence in this podcast that revives it word for word What Amanda said about her own medication that Jane says she wishes someone had said to her three years earlier The scaffolding Erica had that made her parenting choices possible — and why no woman under fifty has that same scaffolding now The one sentence Jane wanted on the record because she couldn't say it professionally — Amanda's response is why you love her Amanda's one take-home if your stomach dropped listening to that clip and you don't know where to go with the guilt Free Resources Household Family Meeting Template — for the load this episode is really talking about — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Explaining ADHD to Kids Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/explaining-adhd-to-kids-parents-guide/ Paid Resources ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/ Related Episodes ADHD or PTSD? Why So Many Women Are Misdiagnosed — S2 EP82, with Amanda Moses — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-82-adhd-or-ptsd-why-so-many-women-are-misdiagnosed-with-amanda-moses/ Is It Social Anxiety — or Is It Autism? — S3 EP34, with Amanda Moses — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-34-is-it-social-anxiety-or-is-it-autism-with-amanda-moses/ References & Further Reading On ADHD heritability (the 74–80% figure): Faraone, S. V. & Larsson, H. (2019). Genetics of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Molecular Psychiatry, 24(4), 562–575. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41380-018-0070-0 On the polygenic architecture Amanda references (many genes, small individual effect): Demontis, D. et al. (2019). Discovery of the first genome-wide significant risk loci for attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Nature Genetics, 51(1), 63–75. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41588-018-0269-7 On the 'refrigerator mother' theory Amanda names: The term originated with Leo Kanner in the 1940s and was popularised through the 1950s and 60s (most notably by Bruno Bettelheim). It was dismantled from the 1960s onward as autism's biological and genetic basis was established. About Amanda Moses Amanda Moses is a senior psychologist, board-approved supervisor, and ADHD and autism assessor with over 14 years of clinical experience across Australia and the UK. She specialises in complex assessments — the ones that don't fit neatly inside the box. Amanda offers clinical training and accessible resources for community members looking to understand autism and ADHD more holistically. Amanda's 'Understanding Neurodivergence Series' combine research, lived experience and practical reflection tools in a way that is clear and easy to follow. In 2026, the series was fully redesigned in collaboration with a professional designer and accessibility expert to improve visual accessibility and overall usability, while maintaining clinical depth. They are written for both therapists and neurodivergent people who want to better understand autistic and ADHD experiences. Each guide includes structured explanations and worksheets that can be used in therapy or independently. The focus is on supporting learning, self-understanding and strengths-based reflection in a way that is respectful and genuinely neurodiversity-affirming. Understanding Neurodivergence Series: https://www.amandamosespsychology.com.au/clinicalresources/?categories[]=understanding-neurodivergence-series#category-tiles Amanda's Instagram 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group 👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox Mentioned in this episode: Free Resources Good Copy Free Resouces

• Transcript

18. Mental Load: 'Do We Have Parmesan Cheese?' He Was Standing at the Fridge. I Was Interstate

The mental load is the thing you couldn't name for years — the invisible mental load that means one adult in the house knows when library day is and one adult keeps asking. The one who anticipates, identifies, decides, and monitors, and the one who stands next to the dishwasher and shouts through to the lounge room to ask if it's clean. You've known the pattern for years. You've done the therapy. You've read the book. You've made the 1.2-metre colour-coded family planner. And he still texts you from home, from within arm's reach of the fridge, to ask about the Parmesan. This week the ADHD Mums Facebook group broke open. So many messages, voice notes, and 4am DMs from women hiding in their own ensuites that Jane's had to split it into three episodes. This is Part 1 — the Admin Husband. Part 2 is the Gold Medal Husband next week. Part 3 is coming. CHAPTERS 00:00 — The Facebook post that broke the internet 00:27 — Lisa. 4am. From inside her own ensuite. Husband asleep in the next room. 01:23 — Please stop asking us what time school pickup is 02:03 — Renee: 'I made the calendar. I bought the calendar. I put it up. I synced it to your phone.' 03:32 — Do men use Siri? A serious question. 04:59 — The 1.2-metre colour-coded family planner he walks past every single day 06:47 — He texts her the address of the program she set up, booked, paid for and drives to every week 09:26 — Parmesan. He's at the fridge. She's in Adelaide. 10:55 — The T-shirt drawer that hasn't moved in three years 12:20 — The 36-minute toilet holiday, and what he's actually doing in there 14:18 — Alison Daminger's four stages of the mental load — and which one he only turns up for 16:35 — Affordance perception: he isn't ignoring the crumbs. He genuinely can't see them. 19:16 — Same-sex couples don't do this. Which tells you something. 21:53 — 'Accidentally, lovingly raising the next man to look at a bench and just see a bench.' 22:36 — 'Just ask me if you need help.' Why that sentence is worse than no help. What We Cover The Facebook post that unleashed more DMs and voice notes than anything else on the show — including one from a woman messaging at 4am from inside her own ensuite while her husband slept in the next room What Renee has done to try and stop her husband asking her what's on today for the seventh time before 9am — and why none of it worked The 1.2-metre colour-coded family planner one member has installed on her wall. Her husband walks past it every single day. He hasn't looked at it once. She's been tracking. Why he can find the remote. Why he can conduct a full detective investigation into a missing beer. And why the billboard is invisible. The Parmesan text. From another state. Not a rhetorical device — a real message. A sociologist who broke the mental load into four stages, and the one stage he actually turns up for Two philosophers on why your partner isn't lying when he says he doesn't see the bench. He's not seeing it the way you're seeing it — and this is the bit that stopped Jane in her tracks What the research on same-sex households is actually telling us — and it's not that men's brains are different The 36-minute toilet holiday. The medical event. What he's really doing in there. Why answering him when he shouts through from the kitchen is the exact thing that keeps you Siri The sentence a Facebook group member said out loud that Jane hasn't been able to stop thinking about since — 'I'm accidentally, lovingly raising the next man to look at a bench and just see a bench' Free Resources Household Family Meeting Template — for moving off stage-three-only and onto shared stages one and two — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ The ADHD Mums Facebook Group — where this whole episode came from, and where Part 2 and 3 are being built right now — https://facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast Paid Resources ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/ Related Episodes (the mental load / invisible labour series) The Invisible Job: Being the One Who Holds Everything Together — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-invisible-job-being-the-one-who-holds-everything-together/ The Invisible Coordination Load: Why ADHD Mums Carry the Work Systems Won't — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-invisible-coordination-load-why-adhd-mums-carry-the-work-systems-wont/ The Hidden Cost of Being the Good Girl — How the Mental Load Became Ours — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/ References & Further Reading Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007 Affordance perception — a framework from ecological philosophy (originating with James J. Gibson, developed further in gender and household-labour applications). This is a philosophical framework, not a clinical psychology finding. Cited as one lens that fits the pattern, not as a settled explanation. 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group 👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

• Transcript

17. Good Girl Conditioning: Breaking the Pattern Before It Reaches Our Daughters — with Rachel Seiler

You know good girl conditioning because you've lived it. The self-editing. The 'whatever you want.' The 'I don't mind.' You spent your twenties in the wrong careers and your thirties in therapy, and you're still catching yourself doing it in your forties. And now you're watching your neurodivergent daughter start — the compliant one, the helpful one — and you don't know how to name it, let alone stop it. CHAPTERS 00:00 — What the good girl actually loses (and nobody in the room notices) 02:16 — Interoception: the missing piece for a whole generation of mums 03:52 — Why you picked the worst careers and environments for you 06:35 — The nervous system cost nobody counts — going to the toilet on a bell 09:50 — The moment you edited yourself out before anyone even noticed 10:47 — Rachel's grade one birthday party, and what her mum saw 12:32 — The mum rage that arrived when it was her daughter's turn 15:14 — The four scripts that work better than any book or worksheet 19:17 — What we're actually reinforcing when we praise 'easy' behaviour 19:52 — The girls who look calm in the front row and panic on the inside 22:00 — The pool. The water slide. The moment Jane couldn't watch it anymore 28:03 — 'I don't mind' — the one thing every mum needs to understand about it What We Cover The one thing every good girl loses first, and it's not confidence — it's the ability to feel what's happening inside her own body Why you picked the worst possible jobs, cities and relationships in your twenties, and never once asked yourself the question that would have saved you What Rachel's mum watched her do at her own sixth birthday party — and the template it set for the next thirty years The moment Rachel had to physically walk out of her own daughter's bedroom before she said something she couldn't take back Why the kids who need therapy aren't always the ones throwing chairs — sometimes they're the ones with their hand up in the front row The scene at the pool that Jane couldn't unsee, and what she did about it that nobody in the group was going to like What we're actually rewarding when we praise the easy child, and what it costs her by fourteen The four short scripts Rachel uses with her own kids that work better than any worksheet — and why role play beats reading a book every time 'I don't mind.' The one thing you need to understand about what's happening inside her when she says it Free Resources Household Family Meeting Template — the mental load, and getting things off one shoulder — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Explaining ADHD to Kids Guide — for the identity work with your daughter — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/explaining-adhd-to-kids-parents-guide/ Guest Links Rachel Seiler — Play therapist and counsellor, All Kids Counselling (Queensland). Sessions available Australia-wide via Zoom. All Kids Counselling Related Episodes (start here if the good girl language is new to you) You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/ The Hidden Cost of Being the Good Girl — How the Mental Load Became Ours — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/ Stop People-Pleasing: The ADHD Mum's Guide to Boundaries, Balance, and Breaking Free — S2 EP50 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-50-stop-people-pleasing-the-adhd-mums-guide-to-boundaries-balance-and-breaking-free/ The Emotional Load of Raising Neurodivergent Girls and How to Lighten It — S3, with Katie Koullas — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-25-the-emotional-load-of-raising-neurodivergent-girls-and-how-to-lighten-it/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

• Transcript

16. Anxiety or ADHD? Understanding the Two Types of Racing Thoughts and what to do about them

It's 10:15 on a Sunday night. You've come out to the kitchen to rinse one pot. One. And now you're just standing there, not touching it — because the second you stopped moving, it started. The permission slip. The referral. Was it orange day. The group chat you didn't answer. The dog bowl. And underneath all of it, the thought that always turns up: what's wrong with you, everyone else can do this. So you do the breathing. Four in, hold four, four out. Name it. I'm feeling anxious. And nothing happens. What We Cover The Sunday-night sink — 40 thoughts arriving at once, none of them actually dangerous Why the breathing didn't work, and why that isn't a you-problem — even I've been paid to teach this and still couldn't breathe it down The two kinds of racing thoughts, and how to tell them apart in about four seconds The shelf — why yours is smaller, why it won't file, and why the dog bowl and the electricity bill are screaming at exactly the same volume What the friend who 'just handles everything' actually has that you don't The fire blanket problem — what happens when the whole wellness industry hands you one tool and tells you it works on everything The one question to ask instead: is something actually wrong, or is it everything at once? Why the too-much kind doesn't want calming — it wants emptying What you're really doing when you keep the TV on, scroll till your eyes shut, and say you 'just can't switch your brain off' Free Resources The Energy Accounting Guide — mentioned in the episode — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ Household Family Meeting Template — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Paid Resources ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/ Related Episodes QUICK RESET: No, I Can't Meditate. I'm Too Busy Disassociating. — S3 EP47 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-47-quick-reset-no-i-cant-meditate-im-too-busy-disassociating/ When You Can't Relax Even When It's Quiet — What Your Body Is Doing and Why — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/ Anxiety & ADHD — S1 EP37, with Jessica Burgess — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-37-anxiety-and-adhd-with-jessica-burgess/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

15. Should Kids Be Made to Hug Relatives? Give Your Auntie a Kiss. He Said No With His Face.

Have you ever stood at the sink at nine o'clock at night, kids asleep, house finally quiet, and had a friend text you how are you going? — and found nothing there? Not sad. Not fine. Just nothing. You could have told her exactly how the kids were, what's on tomorrow, what your hubby's up to, what's happening with the school term. But you, the actual person underneath running all of it — you went looking for her and she wasn't in. There's a name for that. It's not the exhaustion everyone talks about. It's the other one. What We Cover What I found on my phone when I watched the video back — and why my first thought was who let me out like that Why standing at the edge of the handball court at seven and standing at the edge of the room at thirty-eight are the same thing wearing a different outfit The reason nobody taught you to mask, and nobody had to What it actually costs you — not the tiredness, the other thing, the one that has a researcher's name on it Why 'good girl' was the best deal you were ever offered, and the worst one What's actually happening the moment you say go on, give your auntie a hug — and why you say it even though you'd fight anyone who tried it on you The two things that decide what a mask really costs you — and why most neurotypical mums are paying almost nothing for theirs Why staying in burnout can feel safer than being looked after, and what that has to do with lunchtime at school Where I'm starting, given that taking it off for myself is still too hard Free Resources Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ Paid Resources Meltdown & Shutdown Guide https://adhdmums.com.au/product/navigating-meltdowns-strategies-for-parents/ Related Episodes You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/ What Is Underneath the Mask? Uncovering Who You Are After Diagnosis — S2 EP17, with Tanya Hicks — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-17-underneath-the-mask-uncovering-who-you-are-after-diagnosis/ References & Further Reading Cage, E. & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the Reasons, Contexts and Costs of Camouflaging for Autistic Adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899–1911. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-018-03878-x Cage, E., Di Monaco, J. & Newell, V. (2018). Experiences of Autism Acceptance and Mental Health in Autistic Adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), 473–484. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3342-7 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

14. ADHD Stress and Emotional Regulation: What Your Kids Noticed That You Didn't.

You did the envelope early. You had the cash inside. You booked the babysitter. You had three adults on deck for one soccer game. And by the time you got to the car park, you were at 3% battery, panting, holding someone else's dog, and your son had his shirt over his head pretending to be a turtle. You'd done everything right. And it still looked like you hadn't done anything at all. What We Cover The pride that hits when you do something early — and what happens the second you let yourself relax because of it What your eight-year-old is actually asking when he says 'why are you always so stressed out' — and why the real answer isn't one you can give him in a car park The thing that runs quietly in the background for neurotypical brains that yours is doing by hand, every day, and why no one can see the cost Why 'me too, I lost my keys once' will never land the way they think it does — and what makes theirs a story and yours a Saturday What happens when two ADHD parents are both losing things in the same house on the same morning — and neither of them knows the other one has Why the woman who filled out the form a week early is the same woman who wrote the wrong email address — and which one people remember Free Resources Household Family Meeting Template — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ Paid Resources Navigating School Pick-Up & Social Settings — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/surviving-school-pick-up/ Related Episodes S3: I'm Not Lazy — My House Just Doesn't Have a Memory — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-49-quick-reset-im-not-lazy-my-house-just-doesnt-have-a-memory// S2: Executive Function Challenges in ADHD (with Claire Britton) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-31-executive-function-challenges-in-adhd-strategies-for-success-with-claire-britton/ S3: The Advanced ADHD + Neurodivergence Myths Busted — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-4-the-advanced-adhd-neurodivergence-myths-busted/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

13. At Least Dad Did a Load of Washing... Her 9-Year-Old Said It Mid-Fight. That Was the Bar.

Have you ever made a deal with yourself at the end of a really bad week — that's it, I'm not doing it anymore, I'm only doing what he does — and then washed up three times by Tuesday without noticing? Have you ever bought him something mid-fight when you were supposed to be on strike? Have you ever lost it because your nine-year-old defended his dad by pointing out he did one load of washing, as if that was the bar? I couldn't stop thinking about a listener who did all three in one week. I texted a friend about her. I went for coffee and talked about her. I followed up to find out what happened. What she said next, I genuinely did not see coming. What we cover Have you ever declared you're done, you're not doing it anymore, and then found yourself doing it anyway — and genuinely not noticed until it was done The thing your body does mid-fight that looks like making up but isn't — and why it fires even when you're the one who's angry Why your hands win the war three times before lunch — and the one-second move that interrupts it Why the guilt fires when you stop, not when you're drowning — and what guilt is actually doing in your house What your daughter learns watching a 40-year trained adult put something down — no speech needed The slam tour — passive-aggressive cleaning, the self-cleaning oven moment, and what we're really hoping he'll see Why your body won't sleep even when everything is fine — and the scientific name for it The question to ask yourself the next time your hands move before your brain does: am I doing this because I want to, or am I scared of what'll happen if I don't Free resources Household Family Meeting Template — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ Paid resources ADHD Reset Workbook — Values, Energy & Planning — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-planner-and-values/ Related episodes EP81 — The Hidden Cost of Being the 'Good Girl' — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/ S2 EP84 — Mum Rage Part 1 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-84-i-love-my-family-but-im-so-fking-angry-mum-rage-part-1/ S2 EP85 — Mum Rage Part 2 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-85-real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2/ S4 EP1 — Who Am I If I Stop Being in Service — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/1-season-4-launch-who-am-i-if-i-stop-being-in-service-to-everyone-in-my-life/ S3 EP35 — You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/ S3 — Can't Sit Down Until Kitchen's Done — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/cant-sit-down-ktichen/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast References: Baumeister, R. F., Stillwell, A. M., & Heatherton, T. F. (1994). Guilt: An interpersonal approach. Psychological Bulletin, 115(2), 243–267. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. Wood, W., & Neal, D. T. (2007). A new look at habits and the habit–goal interface. Psychological Review, 114(4), 843–863.

12. MUM RAGE #4: 3 Reasons Your ADHD Medication Isn't Touching Mum Rage.

Have you ever been on medication, done all the things, prepped, pre-scheduled, and still lost the plot completely — and then spent the drive home wondering if the medication is even working? Have you ever gone back to your GP and said 'I'm still losing it' and walked out with a higher dose, a different script, or a referral — and none of it touched the actual problem? Have you ever thought maybe I'm just broken in a way that medication can't reach? You're not. But nobody told you there were two layers — and this episode is the one that explains why no dose adjustment has ever closed that gap. What we cover The layer that medication actually works on — and the layer it was never built to touch Why you can be on the right dose of the right stimulant and still slam the car door for forty-five minutes What happens in a 10-minute GP appointment when you say 'I'm still struggling' — and why the answer you keep getting might be solving the wrong problem Why chasing this gap with more medication can mean you end up on too much of the right thing because you're asking it to do the wrong job The question to sit with for a week before you go back to your specialist Who actually benefits from the story that medication is the whole answer — and who doesn't Quick note — I share my own experience here, not medical advice. For anything about your medication or dose, your GP or specialist is the right person to ask Free resources Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ Paid resources ADHD Reset Workbook — Values, Energy & Planning — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-planner-and-values/ Related episodes This is Part 4 of the Mum Rage series. Start at Part 1. Mum Rage EP1 — 3 Reasons ADHD Mum Rage Feels Like It Came Out of Nowhere — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/3-reasons-adhd-mum-rage-feels-like-it-came-out-of-nowhere-it-didnt/ Mum Rage EP2 — Why the advice doesn't work — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/mum-rage-2/ Mum Rage EP3 — The delayed version (sunburn/interoception) — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/mum-rage-3/ S2 EP84 — Mum Rage Part 1 (Jacinta Thomson) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-84-i-love-my-family-but-im-so-fking-angry-mum-rage-part-1/ S2 EP85 — Mum Rage Part 2: Real Tools for Real Rage — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-85-real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2/ EP23 — ADHD Meds Won't Fix Everything — Now What? — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-23-adhd-meds-wont-fix-everything-now-what/ EP71 — When You Can't Relax Even When It's Quiet — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast References Rösler, M., Retz, W., Fischer, R., Ose, C., Alm, B., Deckert, J., Philipsen, A., Herpertz, S., & Ammer, R. (2010). Twenty-four-week treatment with extended release methylphenidate improves emotional symptoms in adult ADHD. World Journal of Biological Psychiatry, 11(5), 709–718. https://doi.org/10.3109/15622975.2010.482986 Moukhtarian, T. R., Cooper, R. E., Vassos, E., Moran, P., & Asherson, P. (2017). Effects of stimulants and atomoxetine on emotional lability in adults: A systematic review and meta-analysis. European Psychiatry, 44, 198–207. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.eurpsy.2017.05.021 Garfinkel, S. N., Seth, A. K., Barrett, A. B., Suzuki, K., & Critchley, H. D. (2015). Knowing your own heart: Distinguishing interoceptive accuracy from interoceptive awareness. Biological Psychology, 104, 65–74. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsycho.2014.11.004

11. I Planned the Day Off to Finally Get Things Done. By 11am I'd Done Nothing and Hated Myself for It

Have you ever told yourself you'll finally do the thing when it's quiet — and then the quiet came and you reorganised a drawer? Have you ever promised yourself the school holidays would be different, stacked up everything you were going to get done, and then spent the first Monday back staring at the wall and doing everyone's admin except your own? Have you ever been the most productive you've been all year on the last week of term, and then wondered why that woman never shows up any other time? What we cover Why your brain flies at the end of term and falls off a cliff the second the kids go back — and what's actually happening underneath it The list in your phone called 'Monday' and the woman you've been promising people is coming — who has never once turned up Why avoidance on a quiet day isn't laziness — and what your brain is actually doing when it picks the wrong task on purpose What happens when high arousal creates a debt — and why the free day might be the worst time to do the hard thing Why 'I just need a quiet day with no interruptions' might be the trap you've been apologising for your whole life The one thing that actually works — and why it involves finding a human and making them mildly expect something from you Free resources Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ Related episodes S3 — Sorry I'm Late, I Have ADHD. My Friend Has ADHD Too. She's Never Late — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/sorry-im-late-i-have-adhd-my-friend-has-adhd-too-shes-never-late/ EP93 — When You Remove the Stress — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/when-you-remove-the-stress-and-start-wondering-whats-wrong-with-you/ EP71 — When You Can't Relax Even When It's Quiet — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/ EP24 — QUICK RESET: The ADHD Myth of 'Just Try Harder'https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-24-quick-reset-the-adhd-myth-of-just-try-harder/ EP49 — QUICK RESET: I'm Not Lazy — My House Doesn't Have a Memory https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-49-quick-reset-im-not-lazy-my-house-just-doesnt-have-a-memory/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast References Barkley, R. A. (1997). Behavioral inhibition, sustained attention, and executive functions: Constructing a unifying theory of ADHD. Psychological Bulletin, 121(1), 65–94. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.121.1.65 Volkow, N. D., Wang, G.-J., Newcorn, J. H., Kollins, S. H., Wigal, T. L., Telang, F., Fowler, J. S., Goldstein, R. Z., Klein, N., Logan, J., Wong, C., & Swanson, J. M. (2011). Motivation deficit in ADHD is associated with dysfunction of the dopamine reward pathway. Molecular Psychiatry, 16(11), 1147–1154. https://doi.org/10.1038/mp.2010.97 Sonuga-Barke, E. J. S. (2003). The dual pathway model of AD/HD: An elaboration of neuro-developmental characteristics. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 27(7), 593–604. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2003.08.005

9. MUM RAGE #3: 3 Reasons Rage Hits Hours After the Thing That Set It Off.

It's 11:00 PM. You sit up in bed with your chest tight and your heart going. Nothing happened. You went to sleep fine. You lie there trying to work out what's wrong with you, and the answer is nothing — except your body has been running a two-hour delayed reaction to a school email you read, closed, and forgot about at 9:02 PM. What We Cover The 9:02 PM email, the 11:00 PM panic, and why the two never show up in the same room at the same time Why a neurotypical mum who gets the same email feels it right then — and what that looks like when Jane asks one about it directly The five stages your body moves through between the trigger and the moment you finally register it — and how long you can spend in each one without knowing Why the quiet moment you've been waiting for all day is exactly when the queue decides it's your turn The misdiagnosis cost: when a doctor treats the reaction as the whole story, what gets written on your medical file — and what keeps walking through the door every day unmanaged Why both can be true — the SSRI doing real work, and an interoceptive delay nobody's ever named for you Free Resources Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ Related Episodes Start with the rest of this series: MUM RAGE #1: 3 Reasons It Feels Like It Came Out of Nowhere. (It Didn't.) — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/3-reasons-adhd-mum-rage-feels-like-it-came-out-of-nowhere-it-didnt/ MUM RAGE #2: 3 Reasons 'Just Breathe' Has Never Worked for ADHD Mums. (And What Actually Does.) — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/mum-rage-2/ Also from the archive: S2 EP84 — I Love My Family But I'm So F*cking Angry: Mum Rage Part 1 (with Jacinta Thomson) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-84-i-love-my-family-but-im-so-fking-angry-mum-rage-part-1/ EP71 — When You Can't Relax Even When It's Quiet — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/ EP93 — When You Remove the Stress — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/when-you-remove-the-stress-and-start-wondering-whats-wrong-with-you/ S3 — I'm Gentle With My Daughter for Ten Minutes. Then I Tell Myself to Stop Being Such a F*cking Embarrassment. — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/im-gentle-with-my-daughter-for-ten-minutes-then-i-tell-myself-to-stop-being-such-a-fcking-embarrassment/ EP81 — The Hidden Cost of Being the 'Good Girl' — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast References & Further Reading Seli, P., Risko, E. F., Smilek, D., & Schacter, D. L. (2016). Mind-wandering with and without intention. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 20(8), 605–617. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2016.05.010 Smallwood, J., & Schooler, J. W. (2015). The science of mind wandering: Empirically navigating the stream of consciousness. Annual Review of Psychology, 66, 487–518. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-010814-015331 Murphy, J., Brewer, R., Catmur, C., & Bird, G. (2017). Interoception and psychopathology: A developmental neuroscience perspective. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, 23, 45–56. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.dcn.2016.12.006 Taylor, G. J., Bagby, R. M., & Parker, J. D. A. (1997). Disorders of affect regulation: Alexithymia in medical and psychiatric illness. Cambridge University Press. https://doi.org/10.1017/CBO9780511526831

8. Just 'Find a Good Stopping Place on the Ipad' It's 5:45pm on a Wednesday. He's in a Minecraft Cave. The Dog Needs a Bone.

📬 Listener Questions & Community It's 5:45 PM. I'm cooking three separate dinners on not enough burners. My six-year-old is crying about the green spoon. My eight-year-old is in a Minecraft cave with a dog that needs a bone. My ten-year-old has found paint. 'Find a good stopping place' is good advice. It just assumes conditions that don't exist in this house. What We Cover The 5:45 PM scenario in full — three kids, three meals, three headphones, zero spare burners, and what it actually costs to transition one child off a screen while managing the rest Compliance depletion — why your child has run out of yeses by dinner time, and why that's not defiance or addiction Self-determination theory and autonomy — why the iPad might be the only thing your child got to choose all day, and what happens when you take it Why 'find a good stopping place' works on Saturday morning and collapses on Wednesday night — and what's actually different between those two moments The working memory piece — why your child isn't defying the boundary, they just can't hold it without you standing there Task-switching costs for the ADHD brain — what every transition actually costs you at the end of the day Why you're not managing the transitions. You are the transition. The Saturday morning benchmark — why one good morning doesn't set the standard, and why comparing Wednesday night to it is destroying you What the parenting advice doesn't account for: one adult, multiple kids, depleted executive function, and no support Free Resources Surviving the Mental Load of the School Year (Free) 👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-school-year-mental-load-kit/ Household Family Meeting Template (Free) 👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Paid Resource Meltdown & Shutdown Guide for Mums & Children 👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/product/navigating-meltdowns-strategies-for-parents/ Related Episodes When a Neuroscientist Says iPads Cause ADHD — And You Wonder if You've Damaged Your Kids | Listen here S3 EP44 — Why Bad Behaviour Is Rarely Bad at All (and How to Respond Instead) | Listen here S3 EP12 — Quick Reset: I Can't Stop Snapping When My Child Does This One Thing | Listen here S2 EP84 — I Love My Family… But I'm So F**king Angry (Mum Rage Part 1) | Listen here S2 EP27 — Quick Tip: I Have an Antagonist in My House | Listen here 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast References Arnsten, A. F. T., & Li, B.-M. (2005). Neurobiology of executive functions: Catecholamine influences on prefrontal cortical functions. Biological Psychiatry, 57(11), 1377–1384. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsych.2004.08.019 Arnsten, A. F. T. (2011). Catecholamine influences on dorsolateral prefrontal cortical networks. Biological Psychiatry, 69(12), e89–e99. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsych.2011.01.027 Barkley, R. A. (1997). Behavioral inhibition, sustained attention, and executive functions: Constructing a unifying theory of ADHD. Psychological Bulletin, 121(1), 65–94. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.121.1.65 Baumeister, R. F., Bratslavsky, E., Muraven, M., & Tice, D. M. (1998). Ego depletion: Is the active self a limited resource? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(5), 1252–1265. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.74.5.1252 Hagger, M. S., Chatzisarantis, N. L. D., Alberts, H., Anggono, C. O., Batailler, C., Birt, A. R., Brand, R., Brandt, M. J., Brewer, G., Bruyneel, S., Calvillo, D. P., Campbell, W. K., Cannon, P. R., Carlucci, M., Carruth, N. P., Cheung, T., Crowell, A., De Ridder, D. T. D., Dewitte, S., . . . Zwienenberg, M. (2016). A multilab preregistered replication of the ego-depletion effect. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 11(4), 546–573. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691616652873 Herwig, U., Bräuer, K., Connemann, B., Spitzer, M., & Jakobs, O. (2018). Selective impairment of attentional set shifting in adults with ADHD. BMC Psychiatry, 18, Article 334. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-018-1912-5 Monsell, S. (2003). Task switching. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 7(3), 134–140. https://doi.org/10.1016/S1364-6613(03)00028-7 Rubinstein, J. S., Meyer, D. E., & Evans, J. E. (2001). Executive control of cognitive processes in task switching. Journal of Experimental Psychology: Human Perception and Performance, 27(4), 763–797. https://doi.org/10.1037/0096-1523.27.4.763 Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68

• Chapters

7. MUM RAGE #2: 3 Reasons 'Just Breathe' Has Never Worked (and what does)

A psychologist told me to do a body scan. I was lying on hard yellow grass in 38-degree heat with three kids screaming inside and ants on my arms, trying to feel my body. I felt nothing. Or I felt everything and couldn't name any of it. She concluded the problem was me. It wasn't. What We Cover Why 'just breathe' and body scans keep failing ADHD mums — and why that failure isn't yours The difference between early and late emotional intervention, and why the tools you've been given are timed wrong for your brain What alexithymia and interoceptive gaps actually mean when you're trying to regulate — and why you can't feel the water warming until the lid's already blown Why some of us start every single day with near-boiling water, and what that does to a nervous system that's been running like that for years The scheduled check-in — not a mindfulness practice, just a moment to know where you are before the day makes that impossible What to say to your partner when they ask if you're okay and you genuinely don't know The James Gross emotional regulation model — 40 years of research — and what it says about the moment you're being told to intervene What's coming next episode: delayed mum rage, the lid that blows after the stove's already off, and why 11pm panic isn't coming from nowhere Free Resources Energy Accounting Guide — mentioned in the episode. Helps you see your actual baseline and where the energy is going before you hit empty. 👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ ADHD Physical Health & Emotional Wellbeing Kit (Free) 👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-physical-health-emotional-wellbeing-kit/ Related Episodes S2 EP84 — I Love My Family… But I'm So F**king Angry (Mum Rage Part 1) S2 EP85 — Real Tools for Real Rage (Mum Rage Part 2) S3 EP52 — When HRT Isn't Enough: Mum Rage & Perimenopause Explained References Edel, M.-A., Rudel, A., Hubert, C., Scheele, D., Brüne, M., Juckel, G., & Assion, H.-J. (2010). Alexithymia, emotion processing and social anxiety in adults with ADHD. European Journal of Medical Research, 15(9), 403–409. https://doi.org/10.1186/2047-783X-15-9-403 Fischer, D., Messner, M., & Pollatos, O. (2017). Improvement of interoceptive processes after an 8-week body scan intervention. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 11, 452. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2017.00452 Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1–26. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.940781 Quadt, L., Garfinkel, S. N., Mulcahy, J. S., Larsson, D. E. O., Silva, M., Jones, A.-M., Strauss, C., & Critchley, H. D. (2021). Interoceptive training to target anxiety in autistic adults (ADIE): A single-center, superiority randomized controlled trial. EClinicalMedicine, 39, 101042. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.eclinm.2021.101042 Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J., & Leibenluft, E. (2014). Emotion dysregulation in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 171(3), 276–293. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2013.13070966 Webb, T. L., Miles, E., & Sheeran, P. (2012). Dealing with feeling: A meta-analysis of the effectiveness of strategies derived from the process model of emotion regulation. Psychological Bulletin, 138(4), 775–808. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027600 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

5. What Do I Do When Being Reasonable Hasn't Worked? The School Escalation Pathway Schools Don't Tell You About - with Sara Hocking

The principal told you to contact region. Region told you to contact the principal. You're sitting in your car wondering if you're going quietly insane. You're not — and neither is the principal. The system is built to do exactly this, to everyone inside it. Sara Hocking is back to map a way out, and the news isn't what you think. What We Cover The one subject line that forces an official response — and why most schools have been waiting for someone to send it The institutional rule that makes principals back their staff publicly even when they're moving things behind the scenes — and how to read the quiet changes The escalation pathway nobody hands you, and the exact point where 95% of parents tap out The strategic reason to keep going past that point even when it feels pointless Why teachers aren't ignoring you — Sara's frame for what's actually happening in the staffroom, and what they're being asked to triage every day The paper-trail trick you can do in 30 seconds on your phone after every conversation Why you arrive at every school meeting already at a ten, and what the other parents in the room don't realise about themselves What restraint, expulsion and catchment actually mean — and the policy vacuum that hands one principal the call when there should be a system holding it Stop waiting for an apology. Sara explains why it isn't coming from individuals, and what to watch for from the structure instead. Free Resources School Complaint & Escalation Guide: https://adhdmums.com.au/product/school-complaint-escalation-guide/ Quiet Exclusion Kit: https://adhdmums.com.au/product/quiet-exclusion-kit/ More from Sara Sara Hocking runs See Beyond — neuroaffirming, nervous-system-informed resources for parents and schools, including free printables you can send straight to your child's teacher: https://seebeyondau.org/ Paid Resources Making School Work — Parent Guide: https://adhdmums.com.au/product/making-school-work-parent-guide/ School Burnout — When School Can't Cope: https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-school-burnout-when-school-cant-cope/ Related Episodes Sara's Part 1 — When You Stay Calm at School and Leave Feeling Like You Didn't Do Enough — Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6LrYWX3eDU3LeoC12kMw4A?si=5OwOPF0oQcGjiXhwzL69zQ | Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/adhd-mums/id1686843092?i=1000753099488 S3 EP8: Advocating for Your Child Shouldn't Break You — But It Often Does — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-8-quick-reset-advocating-for-your-child-shouldnt-break-you-but-it-often-does/ S3 EP7: The Great Gaslighting — When Schools Say 'We Don't See It' — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-7-school-series-the-great-gaslighting-when-schools-say-we-dont-see-it/ S3 EP9: When the IEP Meeting Feels Like a Battle You Didn't Ask For — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-9-when-the-iep-meeting-feels-like-a-battle-you-didnt-ask-for/ S3: When School Decides Your Child Is the Problem — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/when-school-decides-your-child-is-the-problem/ S3: Is the Problem the Child — Or the Learning Plan? — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/is-the-problem-the-child-or-the-learning-plan/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

4. They Took Away the Village and Handed Us the iPad. Then They Told Us Not to Use It.

A friend came over the other day. She'd just done a week on the Sunshine Coast with her three kids, the whole pack-up by herself. We were sitting at my kitchen table doing that thing where you're laughing and crying at the same time. She couldn't get her kids to put the bins out because they were glued to their iPads. I said yep, same. The deeper problem isn't just the iPad. It's that someone pulled every single support structure out from under us, handed us a screen, and then put the guilt on top. What We Cover The Sunshine Coast kitchen table moment — the bins, the iPads, the laughing-crying The Christmas holidays Minecraft trap — how the rules got relaxed in December and what's still happening in May Three things that have completely changed about parenting in the last 40 years that nobody updated us on Why mums in 1990 weren't negotiating screen time — and what they had for free that we just don't The anticipatory regulation load — why parenting an ADHD child is three jobs stacked on top of each other, not one The dopamine input the world used to supply — and what happens when you take the iPad without replacing it Why every screen time recommendation contradicts every other one, and the researchers fight each other publicly We are the first generation parenting through this. There is no generational wisdom on iPads. Nobody knows the right amount. Not the paediatricians, not your mother-in-law, not the friend down the road. Free Resources Surviving the Mental Load of the School Year: https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-school-year-mental-load-kit/ Household Family Meeting Template: https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Related Episodes S3 EP12 QUICK RESET: I Can't Stop Snapping When My Child Does This One Thing — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-12-quick-reset-i-cant-stop-snapping-when-my-child-does-this-one-thing/ S3: When a Neuroscientist Says iPads Cause ADHD — And You Wonder if You've Damaged Your Kids — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/when-a-neuroscientist-says-ipads-cause-adhd-and-you-wonder-if-youve-damaged-your-kids/ S2 EP22: Is It ADHD or Motherhood? — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-22-is-it-adhd-or-motherhood-solo-episode/ S3 EP22 QUICK RESET: Why Self-Care Feels Like Another F*cking Task — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-22-quick-reset-why-self-care-feels-like-another-fcking-task/ S3 EP45 QUICK RESET: The Biggest Lie Parents Believe During School Holidays — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-45-quick-reset-the-biggest-lie-parents-believe-during-school-holidays-this-is-what-everyone-does/ References & Further Reading Parent–child interaction load in ADHD households: Barkley, R. A., Anastopoulos, A. D., Guevremont, D. C., & Fletcher, K. E. (1992). Adolescents with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: Mother–adolescent interactions, family beliefs and conflicts, and maternal psychopathology. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 20(3), 263–288. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF00916692 The collapse of unsupervised childhood: Skenazy, L. (2021). Free-Range Kids: How Parents and Teachers Can Let Go and Let Grow (2nd ed.). Jossey-Bass. Movement: https://letgrow.org The case that screens are driving a youth mental health crisis: Haidt, J. (2024). The Anxious Generation. Penguin Press. The case that the panic is overblown: Etchells, P. (2024). Unlocked: The Real Science of Screen Time. Piatkus. (Named alongside Haidt because the two contradict each other — which is the point.) No strong causal evidence that screens cause ADHD: Levelink, B., et al. (2021). Association between recreational screen time and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. JAMA Pediatrics. Via: https://www.adhdevidence.org/blog/pair-of-large-u-s-cohort-studies-find-little-to-no-evidence-of-association-between-child-and-adolescent-adhd-and-digital-media-screen-time Insufficient evidence for hard screen-time limits (2019 guidance): Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health. (2019). The health impacts of screen time: A guide for clinicians and parents. (Note: this guidance was withdrawn in February 2024 — the position above is as of their 2019 publication.) 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

MUM RAGE #1: 3 Reasons ADHD Mum Rage Feels Like It Came Out of Nowhere. (It Didn't.)

I picked up the kids in my husband's car the other day. The youngest said something. The next one waited until they finished, then said something back. There was a pause. I turned around and looked at three kids not even fighting and thought, is this how pickup goes? In my car, it's on the second they get in. Someone's interrupting, someone's yelling, I'm turning the music up to drown them out, ready to throw myself onto the driveway while it's moving. Same kids. Same school. Different mum. What We Cover The hubby-car pickup vs my-car pickup — same kids, same school, completely different ride What happens to your nervous system when you're already at a rolling boil before the kids even get in the car Interoception — why the signals your body's been sending all afternoon don't land in real time for an ADHD brain Alexithymia — the clinical inability to name a feeling in the moment, and the 42–51% of ADHD adults living inside it Why mum rage feels like it came out of nowhere when it didn't, and why 'try harder, breathe more, be more like other mums at pickup' was never the answer The dinner-time cheese moment — the fan, the dog, the kid in the shower, the TV, the iPad — and why it was never about the cheese Who actually benefits when the rage gets called your temperament instead of your load — and why the lavender oil keeps not working Part 1 of 2 — what's happening underneath. Part 2 is what to do about it. Related Episodes S2 EP84: Mum Rage Part 1 (Jacinta Thomson) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-84-i-love-my-family-but-im-so-fking-angry-mum-rage-part-1/ S2 EP85: Mum Rage Part 2 — Real Tools for Real Rage — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-85-real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2/ EP52 HORMONES: When HRT Isn't Enough — Mum Rage & Perimenopause Explained (Dr Sunita Chelva) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-52-hormones-when-hrt-isnt-enough-mum-rage-perimenopause-explained/ EP82: Overstimulated Before 7am (Rachel Few) — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/rachel-few/ EP12 QUICK RESET: I Can't Stop Snapping When My Child Does This — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-12-quick-reset-i-cant-stop-snapping-when-my-child-does-this-one-thing/ S3: I'm Gentle With My Daughter for Ten Minutes, Then I Tell Myself to Stop Being Such a F*cking Embarrassment — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/im-gentle-with-my-daughter-for-ten-minutes-then-i-tell-myself-to-stop-being-such-a-fcking-embarrassment/ References: Bruton, M., Hall, S. S., & Pollock, M. (2025). Diminished interoceptive accuracy in attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: A systematic review. Psychophysiology, 62(2), e14750. https://doi.org/10.1111/psyp.14750 Edel, M.-A., Rudel, A., Hubert, C., Scheele, D., Brüne, M., Juckel, G., & Assion, H.-J. (2010). Alexithymia, emotion processing and social anxiety in adults with ADHD. European Journal of Medical Research, 15(9), 403–409. — Found 22% of ADHD adults met TAS-20 cutoff (≥61). Donfrancesco, R., Di Trani, M., Gregori, P., Auguanno, G., Melegari, M. G., Zaninotto, S., & Luby, J. (2013). Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and alexithymia: A pilot study. ADHD Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorders, 5(4), 361–367. 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast